Bullies and Teasing

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on September 26, 2008 at 5:35pm

You are right on! More info would be helpful

Just a thought -- For some one with poor coping skills being picked last for soccer could be just as painful as getting beat up. We all handle "stuff" differently

I see that all the time in my practice.. Chronic emotional beatings can be a real PAIN for people with poor coping skills and abilities

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Permalink Reply by ShantiShanti on September 26, 2008 at 7:07pm

I'm actually thinking of my own son, he is 11, just started middle school. The people who are bullying and the person who teased him are 2 different people. I felt bad for him, the kid who started teasing him about his weight was someone who he had thought of as a new friend. I don't know the kid, but my son has pretty good intuition about people and avoids troublemakers and people who are mean in general. I actually wonder if this kid knew how much he hurt Liam.

The bullies are just a couple of older kids who are typical bullies messing with him while he's walking home. Usually he has a friend who walks home with him, but when he has to walk home by himself, I get phone calls saying "Mom, someone is right behind me, can you come pick me up?" I only ever had one person bully me when I was a kid and he was easy to avoid, so I don't really know how to deal with them.

I would just like to be able to give him a little bit of a shell so that he doesn't take all this negativity to heart. He's such a great kid and goes out of his way to help other kids at school and in the community, just a nice guy.

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Permalink Reply by ShantiShanti on September 27, 2008 at 12:05pm

Thanks for your reply -

By a "shell", I actually should have said a thicker skin is what I was meaning. I certainly don't want him to retreat. I guess generally more self-esteem is going to be better for him. In regards to the bully, I was going to talk to them myself, but my son was mortified, said he'd be even MORE bullied. Not sure pepper spray is an option, I think that's considered a weapon and might get him kicked out of school. He did stand up to the kid once and the bully just pushed him down, did not go any further than that. The kid is a lot bigger than him with a big mouth sounds like more than anything else. It's difficult for ME to tell him to physically fight anyone because I just don't think that's the answer.

I'm still in the learning stages but I have hypnotised him and he's much more active and has lost 7 pounds so far. I left it up to him what he wanted to work on, and that was his idea, that he wanted to be more active.

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on September 28, 2008 at 8:22am

Quite frankly, following your "pepper spray advice" in NY State could lead to the child being kicked out of school or even put in a childrens detention center (and exposure to much more serious bullies) and it would probably lead to a lawsuit...

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on September 28, 2008 at 8:39am

I sort of agree. There are bullies and their are bullies - some bullies taunt and put smaller children down verbally, others beat and rob smaller children. In your son's case, putting an end to the bullying could be as easy as teaching him "verbal judo" --" I may be "fat"-- But, at least I'm not a bully!"

If he is being abused physically - Fighting back is his best option, in my opinon.

FYI - I grew up the the roughest section of NYC- Brownsville, East New York, Brooklyn. My Dad taught me that it was better to fight back and get beat up than submit to bullies. It meant getting into lots of fights and I don't think that ,that had a negative effect on my life.

When I was about your son's age - a lot of the kids in my hood used to hang out on the roof of a large one story garage - it was a large building and different groups of kids hung out on different parts of the roof. One day the older kids were trying to tie a string of fire-crackers to a cat's tail and without thinking about what I was doing, I grabbed a handful a gravel and threw it in their faces and the cat escaped - I got one heck of a beating and some street cred. for having "heart" which did wonders for my self-esteem and confidence. A few days later one toughest guys in the hood put out the word - Don't mess with cats or Michael and no one wanted to mess with him - so they didn't...

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on September 28, 2008 at 8:40am

My advice is to ask you son -- if he wants to handle it himself or if he wanst you to get involved?

Trust and honor his choice... If your son wants your help, I suggest altering his teacher and asking him or her to keep an eye on the situation before talking to the guidance counselor or principal -- A caring, watchful teacher can make all the difference in the world-

FYI - I believe that it is a healthy sign that your son is telling you about the bullying - According to "experts," the children who hide being bullied are at much more serious risk for developing mental health problems later in life....

If your son is into it -- enrolling him in a martial arts school or a physical sport can and does build confidence and self esteem. This helps because, bullies tend to select their victims based on what they view as a lack of confidence or percieved weakness.

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Permalink Reply by Hon Wong on September 28, 2008 at 10:36am

Conrad is giving you very wise advice. I would add perhaps allowing your son to take some kind of self defense class before he is in shape. Self defense develops the proper mental attitude to avoid fights and at the same time gets him in shape.

My son is physically small and we are chinese in a non minority community. He was getting picked on by the older and bigger kids like your son. He used his head "he said to himself...that a bully picks on many people one at a time...he asked all the other kids, who else is being picked on by these kids...he met up with the kids that were going to beat him up at the place and time of their choosing...the 5 punks showed up and my son showed up with over 30 kids that were beat up before...all the kids said...you mess with anyone of us and you mess with all of us...the punks told the teachers and my son and the other kid agreed and said that when they were beat up the teachers did very little...My son told me about this afterwards...I am not saying go form a gang...but together small kids with good grades are powerful too!

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Permalink Reply by Donna Carter on September 29, 2008 at 7:19pm

Okay... advice from a mother. >grin<
And someone who is totally involved with the schools system. With an 11 year old... there is no reason that you shouldn't go talk to the principal.
What about a guidance councelor???
PTA??
This is an adult problem - he is 11 - he shouldn't have to worry about walking home from school.
I have a 10 and a 12 year old and I have only had to come unglued once last year...and it worked. I advocate 'being there' for your child no matter what it takes. Talk to whomever you need to talk to. Go higher and higher until you get the results you need. It is important for your child to know that you have his back (even if he doesn't seem happy about it at first)


Donna.

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Permalink Reply by Hon Wong on September 29, 2008 at 8:12pm

Wow, Donna...that is very wise and sane advice.

HW

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Permalink Reply by George Guarino on April 8, 2010 at 4:37am

Being a year later, how's it going? What successes can you report? Many, I'm sure. G.

Going to the NGH convention?

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Permalink Reply by James Hazlerig - HypnosisAustin on April 8, 2010 at 5:21am

I, too, am curious as to how this turned out.

As a child, I was bullied quite a bit, and the schools were extremely ineffective at stopping it. Times may have changed, but running to the teachers or administrators when I was a child would have only made things worse. I really wish that my parents had enrolled me in martial arts classes.

When I was in third grade, my father waited along my route home, and when a bully came after me, my dad stepped over, grabbed the kid by the scruff of the neck--talk about a pattern interrupt!--and shouted, "What's your name?" in the kid's face. The boy didn't have enough time to lie, so my dad was able to find his parents and discuss matters. Of course, those were much less litigious time.

Around that same period, two bullies were chasing me through a parking lot. At one point, I ripped the rear-view mirror off the side of a car and turned to face them. I have no idea what possessed me to do that or gave me the strength. Of course, seeing what I'd done, they ran away.

The real turning point came in eighth grade, when a kid--whom I'd previously thought of as a friend--kept shaking the back of my desk with his foot while we were supposed to be writing an essay. It was one of those combination desk/chairs they use in American schools. I asked him to stop several times, and he answered, "Make me." I was well-known as someone who was easily bullied. But this time, I'd had enough. I stood up and lifted the front of his desk. My plan was just to move it a foot or two so that his foot wouldn't reach my chair, but I lost control and just flipped the whole thing over, dumping him out on the floor.

The teacher was there before he could get up, and she whisked both of us to the office. As I recall, I didn't get in any trouble. When the story got around school--especially the part that I was standing and he was on the ground when the teacher got there--bullies quit targeting me.

I know that as sensible adults we shouldn't advocate violence, but it actually takes only a little fighting back to deal with most bullies.

It was many more years before my self-esteem recovered from those events, and I still have violent physical reactions when I hear about bullying or see it depicted on video. ("Why am I a punching my hand?") So I hope Shanti was able to resolve this in an effective way so that her son can grow up better than I did.

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