A matter of viewpoint

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Permalink Reply by Richard Clark MFT on October 10, 2011 at 7:48pm

I think AJ is right here John. You added a gender bias into the question.

 

A man who has been banished to his buddy's couch might have a different take on your question then a woman who had asked her husband to leave.

 

As a marriage counselor I've seen that just determining the gender of the counselor a struggling couple chooses to see can be a nearly insurmountable task. There is a very strong suspicion amongst humans that men and women have differnet views on relationships and that a women will side with a women and visa versa.

 

Some of that can be seen in Lisa'a reply: "Ill take the one who has been through the same thing I have or will be every time over someone who never has. One has impressions and ideas about what it is like and the other knows to his core exactly what it is and can be like. Stuff that might not be in the literature or part of training. Externally and internally. Experience informs."

 

Can a woman really know what it is like from a man's point of view?

 

Richard

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Permalink Reply by Lisa on October 11, 2011 at 2:31am

Hi Richard,

   Interesting I changed wife to be gender neutral "mate" to represent a female or a male (was specifically thinking needed to include gay male at the time) but left the one kicked out of bed as male. Not changing both may support your gender bias assertion to me. I could have changed the one on the couch to a straight or gay female  but didn't even think of it at the time. The one on the couch being a therapist which I left as male (thinking I needed to include both straight and gay at the time). 

 

    I felt confused during writing on this question because it seemed to me to be several questions rather than one. I kept getting it confused with another discussion. Had to go up and reread the question to see if I was straying from topic a number of times. 

 

      I don't know if one gender can really know what it is like from another gender's point of view. Frankly, both male and female feels pretty alien to me at times. Certainly my own mind. Fortunately, I really like aliens. };)

gentle day,

Lisa 

 

 

 

 

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Permalink Reply by docregal.com on October 11, 2011 at 4:09am

Surely you jest, John. Entertaining? Perhaps? However...this is a tricky question. Let's see it turned around then, and I'll explain.

"Would I seek advice from a 'female' (implied) marriage counselor who was 'sleeping' on my couch because her husband kicked her out of the house?"

"Advice" is the operative word here, yet the context also needs to be considered, i.e. "sleeping" on my couch. With that in my mind, I would have to further assess her motives for sleeping over and decide whether or not her advice or her companionship warranted my attention more. ;-)

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Permalink Reply by Lisa on October 11, 2011 at 4:28am

Hi DocRegal,

 

"With that in my mind, I would have to further assess her motives for sleeping over and decide whether or not her advice or her companionship warranted my attention more. ;-)"

 

   But then I would have to reject her as a counselor because if she (or he) warranted my attention more, it dances into the realm of a risky dual relationship. 

   So many clouds on this mountain I keep tripping over rocks and doubling back around again. Just don't know where I am. Guess I'll have to decide to be here. 

gentle day,

Lisa

 

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Permalink Reply by John Cleesattel on October 11, 2011 at 5:40am

Richard,

I would expect the view points of different people to differ, depending on their own personal experiences, and not generically gender based.

i.e. His buddy's sister might see him as finally standing up to that shrew of a wife and reacting to her without violence (unlike the sister's last boyfriend), etc.

or... unbeknownst to all, the marriage counselor is secretly a willing submissive to his dominant wife and feels excitement about how she treats him.

 

Like I told AJ, the question is not directed at a gender, it is directed at YOU, it is sleeping on YOUR couch. The buddy could be the other woman for that matter.

 

As a marriage counselor, have you ever experienced more than one view point from different people in the same gender about the same issue? i.e. do all people suspect that genders stick together, or is that just some people?

 

John

Richard Clark MFT said:

I think AJ is right here John. You added a gender bias into the question.

 

A man who has been banished to his buddy's couch might have a different take on your question then a woman who had asked her husband to leave.

 

As a marriage counselor I've seen that just determining the gender of the counselor a struggling couple chooses to see can be a nearly insurmountable task. There is a very strong suspicion amongst humans that men and women have differnet views on relationships and that a women will side with a women and visa versa.

 

Some of that can be seen in Lisa'a reply: "Ill take the one who has been through the same thing I have or will be every time over someone who never has. One has impressions and ideas about what it is like and the other knows to his core exactly what it is and can be like. Stuff that might not be in the literature or part of training. Externally and internally. Experience informs."

 

Can a woman really know what it is like from a man's point of view?

 

Richard

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Permalink Reply by Richard Clark MFT on October 11, 2011 at 8:00am

Hi John,

 

Of course there is a wide diversity in individual views, beliefs, and feelings about everything and generalizations are only generalizations. 

 

Generally speaking, Peking Poodle would not be considered a menu choice by most westerners, but some individuals....

 

Anyway, the real point was that you could have easily asked the same question and neutralized the gender bias clarifying the point you wanted discussed and getting answers with fewer variables distracting from the matter being investigated.

 

We are, after all, wordsmiths and phraseologists by trade.

 

Richard

John Cleesattel said:

Richard,

 

As a marriage counselor, have you ever experienced more than one view point from different people in the same gender about the same issue? i.e. do all people suspect that genders stick together, or is that just some people?

 

John

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Permalink Reply by John Cleesattel on October 11, 2011 at 8:52am

That the viewpoint of the individual is only pertinent one was my point with AJ and with you Richard :)

I probably could have worded it better, but the original wording wasn't mine...(http://www.hypnothoughts.com/profiles/blogs/a-point-to-ponder)

I borrowed it because the original poster did not allow any responses and I thought it was a good topic for discussion.

 

John

Richard Clark MFT said:

Hi John,

 

Of course there is a wide diversity in individual views, beliefs, and feelings about everything and generalizations are only generalizations. 

 

Generally speaking, Peking Poodle would not be considered a menu choice by most westerners, but some individuals....

 

Anyway, the real point was that you could have easily asked the same question and neutralized the gender bias clarifying the point you wanted discussed and getting answers with fewer variables distracting from the matter being investigated.

 

We are, after all, wordsmiths and phraseologists by trade.

 

Richard

John Cleesattel said:

Richard,

 

As a marriage counselor, have you ever experienced more than one view point from different people in the same gender about the same issue? i.e. do all people suspect that genders stick together, or is that just some people?

 

John

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Permalink Reply by Ricky Strode on October 11, 2011 at 9:15am

I do not think it is that simple, but it always (pun) depends (pun), like the adult diapers. Hows that for a metaphor, lol.

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Permalink Reply by James Hazlerig - HypnosisAustin on October 11, 2011 at 8:44pm

Ignoring the entire question of gender for the moment, I must say that I thought about this and similar discussions today when I drove past a mobile building serving as the office of "Bastrop Home Builders." I thought it humorous that people who build houses were operating out of a trailer. 

 

And yet it makes a certain sense for their purposes.

 

It got me to pondering--if I were hiring a construction crew to build me a mansion, would I insist that all of them live in mansions as well?

 

Hmmmm,

 

James

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