Abandonment and Lonliness

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Permalink Reply by Melissa J. Roth on November 30, 2009 at 6:46am

Talk to Steve Andreas on this site. He's got a good program.

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on November 30, 2009 at 7:51am

Hi Gayle,

For what it's worth, operating on the sound principle that it's easier and more effective to replace something than "eliminate it," the conclusion that I've come to after many years of study, research, therapy and providing hypnotherapy is that when we've disconnected from our core selves, the place to start is there.

I think that when we're born we have an innate sense of entitlement (to be fed, nurtured, changed, etc) and that is either supported by our environment or disrupted. The key, I think, is to help the person in disconnection and pain to reconnect with their core selves. To me, the core self is the part that perhaps some would call 'consciousness' or spirit or soul...that sense we have of being me.

It's been called self-esteem and self-worth. A big part of 12-step is finding and connecting with a power greater than yourself that some call God. Whatever one might think of the 12-step process, its program helps lost and wounded people to reconnect with a Higher Power of his or her own interpretation and with him or herself.

I wish there was a 12-step program for just good living. For me, it took the place of religion, which I've always found lacking in the teaching of self-love department.

Sometimes it feels to me like a deep appreciation of who I am in the world, what I have to offer to myself and others, what special qualities do I have to offer, what is there within me that makes me lovable and valuable to myself and others. It changes the focus from external to internal and it helps people to know where to begin, I think. It allows me to look at the areas in my life that could use some work rather than looking at weak areas and making them part of my identity. Our identities stand alone, valuable and worthwhile just because we're alive.

It helps to separate one's behavior from one's identity, also, I think. I learned that in child development and it applies. You don't chastise or correct the child; you correct the behavior.

Thinking of it in this ways takes something that can be very complicated and makes it simpler. We have to teach ourselves and the people we help, all of whom are lost and disconnected in some way or they wouldn't need our help, to start asking the question "what is best for me in this situation?"

I think we are systematically taught in our society that selflessness is the highest value but it think that idea is misleading and even dangerous to the development of a healthy self. If you don't attend to yourself, you have nothing to give to others, not even a good model.

I think age regression can be used if used to heal and repair rather than re-experience the trauma. I haven't come across a specific technique that does that kind of healing rather than being used for discovery but I think there is need for one. The age regression techniques can be modified, I suppose, but I haven't figured out a safe way to do it yet.

John Bradshaw has soon good ideas in his books on the Inner Child, as does Margaret Paul as does Louise Hay and probably Marianne Williamson, though I've never read Williamson's material myself.

Hope that helps.

Susan

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Permalink Reply by Kelley Woods on November 30, 2009 at 11:30am

Hello Gayle,

I have found that connecting such a client to their Inner Child leads to disolving that sense of utter loneliness. I use Timeline technique to allow the two of them to observe and understand and, if appropriate and desired by the client, reframe what is going on in the child's life. By allying the younger and present self, the younger self is reassured that he will survive and is protected and the present self is given back his power and responsibility to care for himself.

Parts therapy can address the unhealthy behaviours that have developed from the abandonment once the emotional tension is released.

Best wishes,

Kelley

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Permalink Reply by Adrian Tannock on December 1, 2009 at 2:13am

I'd like to second Kelley's advice; this would be similar to my approach and I find it very effective.

I find that if you unpack the vast majority of presenting issues you'll eventually you'll find the negative belief: I'm not good enough (arrived at via I don't fit in/am not accepted by my peers, or I'm not accepted by my parents/parental figures, or both).

So here you have a situation where that belief would be clearly evident (I imagine): it is the paradigm through which they view themselves, the world, and their relationship to it.

It is your job to help them feel (as in emotionally, not intellectually) that, despite their abandonment, they are good enough. You could do that by:

- Reframing their abandonment from being their fault (I wasn't good enough) to not being their fault (I was badly let down).
- De-potentiate* the negative belief "I'm not good enough and here's the evidence: I was abandoned" and installing a positive belief "I'm good enough, warts and all, and here's the evidence: all of the good values I have/beliefs I have/capabilities I have/the good things I do in life/the good things in my environment & community that I contribute to, etc"
- Eliminate the negative behaviours that have arisen from their negative emotional belief (easier to do when the belief is reduced) and install happier, healthier behaviours.

Thanks,

Adrian

* I say de-potentiate rather than eliminate because, to my mind, we all carry around at least a touch of "I'm not good enough/I don't fit in" etc, like a fault-line running through our psyche these fears potentially have survival properties (see evolutionary psychology) and certainly, even with the most benign upbringing, nobody travels through childhood without experiencing some rejection/fear/pain etc. It is human to have the shadow self as part of our being...








Kelley Woods said:

Hello Gayle,

I have found that connecting such a client to their Inner Child leads to disolving that sense of utter loneliness. I use Timeline technique to allow the two of them to observe and understand and, if appropriate and desired by the client, reframe what is going on in the child's life. By allying the younger and present self, the younger self is reassured that he will survive and is protected and the present self is given back his power and responsibility to care for himself.

Parts therapy can address the unhealthy behaviours that have developed from the abandonment once the emotional tension is released.

Best wishes,

Kelley

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Permalink Reply by Gayle Hilton on December 1, 2009 at 5:48am

Just a question - what is the Informed Child Technique..... not to sure what you mean.

Thanks - Gayle

Mr Green said:

In among the good advice I would put this suggestion forward.

The Informed child Technique along with self forgiveness and forgiveness of others, all as 3 separate inductions as they are all individually powerful, then address parts behavior 'if needed' the work here will be very powerful.

I might not 'go to' trauma or trouble but just to 'the' certain age, in the informed child situation..

I did this myself once, and went to back into my bedroom as I was a child, it was absolutely amazing.. The younger 'me' seemed to recognize me and we sat and had a good chat..

Then I got back into my time machine and came back, stopping off every couple of years to check up on myself..

What was interesting was that at all of he times I did visit myself, in looking back at the actual time, it was as if a guardian angel were looking out for me.. I wonder..

Paul ~

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Permalink Reply by Gayle Hilton on December 1, 2009 at 5:52am

Oops - I also wanted to get a better understanding when you say 3 inductions - I am unfamiliar with these 3 types of inductions - where can I get more information as to how the techniques work?

Thanks - Gayle

Gayle Hilton said:

Just a question - what is the Informed Child Technique..... not to sure what you mean.

Thanks - Gayle

Mr Green said:

In among the good advice I would put this suggestion forward.

The Informed child Technique along with self forgiveness and forgiveness of others, all as 3 separate inductions as they are all individually powerful, then address parts behavior 'if needed' the work here will be very powerful.

I might not 'go to' trauma or trouble but just to 'the' certain age, in the informed child situation..

I did this myself once, and went to back into my bedroom as I was a child, it was absolutely amazing.. The younger 'me' seemed to recognize me and we sat and had a good chat..

Then I got back into my time machine and came back, stopping off every couple of years to check up on myself..

What was interesting was that at all of he times I did visit myself, in looking back at the actual time, it was as if a guardian angel were looking out for me.. I wonder..

Paul ~

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Permalink Reply by Gayle Hilton on December 1, 2009 at 5:53am

Sent Steve an email and also ordered his ebook on Negative Self talk..... don't know where his info would be on abandonment - but maybe he will write back....

Melissa J. Roth said:

Talk to Steve Andreas on this site. He's got a good program.

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on December 1, 2009 at 6:41am

Hi Gayle,

It sounds like the Cal Banyan 5-PATH system is what Paul is referring to. Jerry Kein may also teach it in that form.

Essentially it means that you take the client back to the times he was traumatized or wounded or disconnected via a negative message, to reconnect with his Inner Child. That idea is based on the theory that we all carry our memories of our childhood somewhere within us kind of as 'ghost' identities. Its the Inner Child (state) that is creative, likes to play. It's also the Inner Child (state) that feels the pain, and still responds to life as if the person were whatever age he experienced the event. John Bradshaw and Margaret Paul write a lot about the Inner Child.

In Cal's teachings, you take the client back to the traumatizing incident and let him reexperience it in hypnosis. Then, after some other work, you take the client back to the incident in the 'state' of how he would perceive and experience the incident with the wisdom of an adult (Informed Child). My difficulty with this technique is that I found that many of my clients became retraumatized and didn't necessarily stick around long enough to resolve either the original issue.

I'm learning the Rewind Technique from the people at Uncommon Knowledge and I like it a lot. I've been seeing other people referring to the technique (which I think originated with Bandler and Grinder) that is taught as a part of NLP. I agree with those who suggested the work of the Andreas' (ConnieRae and Steve both). I love her books "Heart of the Mind," and "Change Your Mind and Keep the Change" (I think--she and Bandler have books with similar titles).

Actually, she (ConnieRae) gave a really good explanation of it in one of her books but I wasn't quite sure how to use it until I took the training at UK.

I really like what Andreas had to say above (or below, not sure which).

I don't remember the 3 inductions but I think Paul may be referring to Cal Banyan's the three things we do in hypnosis, which I've forgotten. If it's really important to you, I'll go find it. As I recall, it was nothing special but presents a good set-up to remind the client of the things to expect in hypnosis which act as deepeners and anchors as well.

Susan

Gayle Hilton said:

Oops - I also wanted to get a better understanding when you say 3 inductions - I am unfamiliar with these 3 types of inductions - where can I get more information as to how the techniques work?
Thanks - Gayle
Gayle Hilton said:

Just a question - what is the Informed Child Technique..... not to sure what you mean.

Thanks - Gayle

Mr Green said:

In among the good advice I would put this suggestion forward.

The Informed child Technique along with self forgiveness and forgiveness of others, all as 3 separate inductions as they are all individually powerful, then address parts behavior 'if needed' the work here will be very powerful.

I might not 'go to' trauma or trouble but just to 'the' certain age, in the informed child situation..

I did this myself once, and went to back into my bedroom as I was a child, it was absolutely amazing.. The younger 'me' seemed to recognize me and we sat and had a good chat..

Then I got back into my time machine and came back, stopping off every couple of years to check up on myself..

What was interesting was that at all of he times I did visit myself, in looking back at the actual time, it was as if a guardian angel were looking out for me.. I wonder..

Paul ~

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on December 1, 2009 at 7:45pm

Hi Gayle, et al,

In "Ellnerian" hypnosis the transformation starts in my pre-talk... Example, I have found that a simple pattern interrupt is often all that is needed to help snap a client out of the: "My childhood justifies all of my unhealthy behaviors trance..."

Remember, timing is everything - So you simply breathe with and passively listen to your client's story and when it feels right, you simply smile, make eye contact and lovingly interrupt the client's tale of woe.

"So in other words - You were a survivor and you were able to cope with some very painful losses and challenges Right?" As soon as you see the "Whaaaat, what" look in your client's eyes (And you will) Go with the flow: "I mean there is absolutely nothing about your childhood experience that justifies punishing yourself for the rest of your life for something THAT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! -- Right? And when you think about it would be unforgiveable if you did not forgive yourself and let yourself heal --Right? ---Now close your eyes and lets make peace with your childhood and give yourself the love, credit and appreciation YOU really deserve..."
Any self-affirming hypnotic ritual can be effective at this point...

Feel the purrrrr.. =^..^=

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