Client with Sexual perception issue

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on July 2, 2010 at 3:58pm

Hi Geoff,
Skewed perception of sex.
Shy talking about sex.
Thoughts don't embarrass her.

What is her presenting issue? And is that all you know about tomorrows client?

Did she give any insight about what she was told as a child?

And do you know how her presenting issue has caused her problems?

Steve

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Permalink Reply by geoff goodman on July 2, 2010 at 4:16pm

Steve,

Thanks for responding, I am waiting to hear back from her as to what she means by skewed perceptions and what it is that she wants to be able to do or be. She did not provide any insight as to what she was told as a child though i can only assume she was informed that sex is bad/taboo.

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Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on July 2, 2010 at 5:06pm

Without knowing any more than that and only assuming she was told that sex is bad, I wouldn't agree or disagree with her, she may be ready for either one of those and may have a plan to guarantee that she avoids change. Asking for help doesn't always mean they are willing to right now.

I would start asking, "what," type of questions like, what did she think when she first heard, or after all these years, what does she think about what she was told.

Was there a point where it would have been all ok if.....?

Some reassuring thoughts also like, it's a good thing you are here now and how would you like this to go, slow, fast or just the what it takes to step into that moment she has dreamed of...

I'm just throwing blind ideas out, but those type of things can help get her to neutral where she can start working with you. Stay in harmonious control and your calm mind can guide you very well.

If any of this makes sense, great, if not, I'm sure what does make sense will be as near as you need it to be.

Just another unlimited being,
Steve

geoff goodman said:

Steve,
Thanks for responding, I am waiting to hear back from her as to what she means by skewed perceptions and what it is that she wants to be able to do or be. She did not provide any insight as to what she was told as a child though i can only assume she was informed that sex is bad/taboo.

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 2, 2010 at 6:05pm

Hello Steve --

You write: "Asking for help doesn't always mean they are willing to right now" --

This belief is likely to reduce your ability to help clients -- Stop it!

Paying clients are not only asking for help -- They are PAYING for help -- If they were able to resolve their issues or reach their goals without assistance they wouldn't be there would they?

We are at our best when we focus on our clients skills and abilities...

Love and stuff...

Michael E

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 2, 2010 at 6:16pm

Hi Geoff,

Find out how she wants you to help her-- Does she want to be more comfortable discussing her beliefs and feelings about sex- in other words deal with the "shyness" or does she want you to help her change the way that she thinks and feels about sex?
If she wants help with over-coming her shyness - any confidence building approach will help her.
If she wants to give herself a mental make-over, collapsing anchors or a parts-like technique that helps her make peace with her sexuality are two options you might consider.

Best,

Michael E.

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Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on July 2, 2010 at 8:57pm

Michael Ellner said:

Hello Steve --
You write: "Asking for help doesn't always mean they are willing to right now" --
This belief is likely to reduce your ability to help clients -- Stop it!

Paying clients are not only asking for help -- They are PAYING for help -- If they were able to resolve their issues or reach their goals without assistance they wouldn't be there would they?

We are at our best when we focus on our clients skills and abilities...

Love and stuff...

Michael E

Michael,

I agree, if someone is at your office, there is a good chance that they have tried everything else and it has not worked for them, and if the therapist has a belief that the client is not ready for help right now, that will greatly effect therapy in a negative way. Couldn’t agree with you more.

I was referring to the client’s belief of unconsciously and consciously afraid of change, (not wanting to change right now).

When a client doesn’t present an issue clearly of what they want, it can be one of many reasons, one of them can be a resistance to even admit there is a problem even if they are experiencing difficulties or it is keeping them from doing whatever it is they do want to do.

Don’t you think there are some clients that would rather prove that no one can help them and don’t mind paying just to be able to say, "well I tried," and if you don't think there are, you haven't met my mom yet, (yes, which means, there is a good chance there's some of that in me too).

Even in cases where the client is in some sort of denial, you are correct, the therapist’s attitude makes a big difference…..I was speculating in my reply about a client who is not giving the presenting issue and some of the things to look out for or be ready for.

Example, if I someone complains about shortness of breath and they smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, but don’t ask to stop smoking, they may not want to hear someone tell them they should stop smoking, they may put up an unnecessary, (to therapy), resistance that maybe you don’t want to go down that path or maybe you do, if you have a preference I was mentioning to be aware. Giving someone an opportunity to retreat into something where they feel really comfortable like in denial, may not be a direction you would want to go into. Although some do prefer to go there, it’s a choice, where others don’t. I was mentioning that this can be a case to be aware of that, or don’t, it’s a choice.

So my approach to someone giving insufficient information would be to avoid going in a direction that may not be preferable, a direction where a client in denial is most comfortable to be in. In their comfort zone may be the place where their issue loves to me, outside of their comfort zone may be where their solution works best. It’s just a theory or a preference, be aware, that’s all.

But you are 100% correct, if a therapist believes their client isn’t ready for help, they should STOP it. That’s different than suspecting it in a client and guiding them in a direction out of their comfort zone.

Not only focusing on our clients skills and talents but having them elicit experiences that contain the skills and talents that can help them make their own positive changes is a proven effective Erickson way of therapy, I personally think it’s genius.

And finally Michael, the same love and stuff right back at you along with a wish of joy.

Just another unlimited being,
Steve

Geoff,
P.S. Michael also says in his other reply, “Find out how she wants you to help her-- Does she want to be more comfortable discussing her beliefs and feelings about sex- in other words deal with the "shyness" or does she want you to help her change the way that she thinks and feels about sex?”

I agree with the first part, “Find out how she wants you to help her.” That is very important, but I find that the next part is like putting words in someone’s mouth, let her tell you how and what she wants. It’s important that what she wants comes from her and not from choices of the therapist.
Just my opinion.
Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Henxy on July 2, 2010 at 11:14pm

Steve Andrade said:

Asking for help doesn't always mean they are willing to right now.

I think this is a gem of a point, Steve.
Acknowledging the existence of a problem is the first step to solving it.
Sometimes, a client will involve you in this first step... and therefore not yet be ready for all the wonderful change you can bring about.

I had a friend who self harmed. He spent so long wishing he could stop this compulsion, and was scared by it, and its power over him. Then, when he was getting 'better', he said to me that now he was scared even more. What if this thing he had been longing for all this time happened, and he no longer hurt himself... and he wasn't HIM any more?

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Permalink Reply by Craig Homonnay on July 3, 2010 at 1:25am

Hi Geoff
First session ...dont worry about a script :-) (in fact never use a script! )
talk to her ....get to know her ...find out what she expects .....work with her feelings ....set it up so that she knows you know what you are doing and you care .........PTC preparation ......testing and convincing ........if you know how to use regression properly thats where i would go using an affect bridge ...But I stress that if you have not been trained in this type of work ....stick to what you know for now .....

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 3, 2010 at 3:28am

Dear Readers,

I have discovered that most clients are able to change if they are ready and passionate about changing. My contribution is giving them a reason to believe that they are ready, able and really, really want to change. I believe that Mastery is making it reasonable to believe that they can change and to excite their imaginations for staying focused on the BENEFITS and ADVANTAGES of changing... That is the secret ingredient in successful outcomes regardless of the technique or approach being used to help people.

Your challenge -- if you accept it -- is to watch the video below and consider the possible impact "Learned Helplessness" might be having on Henxy's friend, Steve's mom and you and your clients...




My point is that when we have certain beliefs about our clients -- like Steve's beliefs about his mom - it can doom our sessions before you start them... The operative word in "learned helplessness" and "learned hopelessness" IS... "learned" -- Steve!

For somei learned helplessness/hopelessness manifests as the fear of the unknown, which is more horrifying than their self-destructive behaviors, and others like Henxy's friend find that in addition to the fear of the unknown, their identities are defined by their unwanted behaviors, now add a life-time of conditioning that inhibits taking positive action especially in the realms of health, happiness and personal responsibility and you can begin to see why people are stuck.

I co-wrote the book on How To Get Unstuck!
Michael E.
www.quantumfocusing.com


Henxy said:

Steve Andrade said:

Asking for help doesn't always mean they are willing to right now.

I think this is a gem of a point, Steve.
Acknowledging the existence of a problem is the first step to solving it.
Sometimes, a client will involve you in this first step... and therefore not yet be ready for all the wonderful change you can bring about.

I had a friend who self harmed. He spent so long wishing he could stop this compulsion, and was scared by it, and its power over him. Then, when he was getting 'better', he said to me that now he was scared even more. What if this thing he had been longing for all this time happened, and he no longer hurt himself... and he wasn't HIM any more?

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Permalink Reply by Kelley Woods on July 3, 2010 at 6:28am

Great demonstration of how we learn to get stuck, Michael!

Geoff,

A simple recipe for your first session is to ask what your client needs to help things work for her, provide the opportunity for her to give herself permission for change and then create, together, a plan of action. If you pay attention, you will discover what she perceives to be "wrong".

Start out with showing her how she can be in control of how she feels by teaching her self-hypnosis for relaxation. Perhaps giving only suggestions for her to begin the process of discovering her innate resources that will enable her to heal, etc..., will be a great start. The solutions must come from within her in order for them to work; you are the conduit for unveiling them.

Best wishes,

Kelley

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Permalink Reply by geoff goodman on July 3, 2010 at 6:47am

Craig,

I usually do age regression in the second session - My first session is tests and convincers to make sure she is somnambulistic. The real fun happens with the regression!

Craig Homonnay said:

Hi Geoff
First session ...dont worry about a script :-) (in fact never use a script! )
talk to her ....get to know her ...find out what she expects .....work with her feelings ....set it up so that she knows you know what you are doing and you care .........PTC preparation ......testing and convincing ........if you know how to use regression properly thats where i would go using an affect bridge ...But I stress that if you have not been trained in this type of work ....stick to what you know for now .....

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Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on July 3, 2010 at 7:11am

Geoff,
There is a lot of good advice.
And as you may or may not know, there is no right or wrong way, just the way that works for you. I find that, that thing that led us to doing this, continues to lead or guide us toward positive outcomes.
I'm looking forward to hearing more if that is part of your game plan, and if not, thanks for the opportunity for all to again continue learning by participating.
Make it happen the best way possible.

Just another unlimited being,
Steve

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