Everything happens for a reason...

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Susan French on June 2, 2009 at 5:41am

Hi Antonio,

I'm not necessarily a believer in "everything happens for a reason." In fact, though I have some deep spiritual feelings, I think primarily that s**t happens randomly. I have very strong idea that we may very well reincarnate because we're here to learn soul lessons (if there is such a thing as a "soul") which we predetermine.

However, I think your idea is a really good one bc these kinds of events in a person's life need reframing and it's often very hard to do.

So I'll add a couple of examples too and then make some attempt at finding a way to reframe them so that these events can be accepted so the person can get on with his/her life.

4) A 36-year old woman learns at 18 that her grandfather is her father, due to ongoing incest and rape of her mother, which also resulted in several other children as well. He was also visciously abusive to her brothers, both physically and emotionally and everyone else around him except her. Her mother kept a VERY close eye on on her growing up so that nothing would happen to her but she is way, way overweight, suffers extreme anxiety and depression. He is a big muck-a-muck in his church and a hypocrite of the most vile type.

So then: how DO you find a way to let her put this to rest? (She refuses to consider forgiving him because he is still a pig and will die soon.)

5) 40 year old neurosurgeon is diagnosed with a rare metabolic disorder that seems to have no cure and only stabilizing treatment.

6) Another woman of similar age struggles with being another product of incest (hidden from public, of course) and is later raped in her own home by someone who breaks in.

I had a long, frustrating, and miserable conversation on a couple of other regression groups who were of the opinion that abreaction and forgiveness were the only ways through it. I balked and am struggling a lot with this specific idea.

If my post is moving the conversation off-topic, please forgive me. I can post it as another discussion but I would love to hear how others help themselves and clients to acceptance and resolution when "bad things happen to good people."

I'm going to chew on it a bit myself and then come back with some ideas.

I hope everyone throws in any and all ideas, which DO NOT insult, disrespect, or exclude other people's ideas.

Great topic.

Susan

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Permalink Reply by Joe K Fobes on June 2, 2009 at 6:39pm

How about when someone insults, disrespects, or excludes other people's ideas on a forum. How would we reframe that?

As for the neurosurgeon..... how about "well now you can get a real focus on what is important to you in life and find the motivation to get it done..... no more procrastination, no more "I'll do it a different time". Some people only realize that when they are much older and long out of the prime of their life and they can't achieve those goals anymore, he gets to have that opportunity when he is 40 and on top of his game.

As for the woman..... she has experienced something that very few people experience. That puts her in a unique place when it comes to helping others who have been damaged. She can empathize with them and help them heal.
It is only at the highest levels of competition that the greatest tests are given, and the learnings are always greater when the test is harder.
What has she learned from her experience that nobody in the world knows?
What does she now understand about herself and her ability to persist and make it to today alive and kicking even with what she went through. Others might have committed suicide. She stuck around and isn't doing as bad as she might if she weren't as strong as she is.

Joe

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Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on June 3, 2009 at 5:07am

Hello,

Our planet is part of a universe that is constantly changing. Those changes are all destructive in nature….things are created and things end, and that end usually is of a violent nature.

Did I say end?
I mean as things change they transform into other things. And a strong belief in the scientific world says that our earth is the result of such transformations.

That destruction of stars and stuff created a planet that promotes life as we know it. That universal destruction does not need a reframe, it is a natural reframe. Out of all that destruction or transformation that goes on in this universe, we can see some good in it, our earth, our air, our life, to name a few.

I believe everything happens because of a reason.

I ask…..how many people believe we have choice?

Of those who think we have choice, how many think that, that choice effects outcome?

I didn’t understand choice for a long time growing up. I grew up in a Christian believing family. When I asked about choice, it basically came down to…..you can choose to go to hell or you can choose to go to heaven. (I think that is what we now call presuppositions).

I do need to go here in order to explain why choice didn’t make sense to me. I’m not bashing any belief.

In a nut shell I said, “if god is all knowing and powerful and he knows the past present and future, then he already knows how many people will live in hell before he even created it, and if he is a god of love, why did he create a place of ultimate punishment that isn’t even a place to inspire correction, but just a place of eternal torture? Oh but he didn’t create hell, the devil did. But didn’t god create the angel that became the devil and is not god perfect and makes no mistakes and didn’t he know, since nothing is a surprise to him, didn’t he know before he created Lucifer, (the most beautiful angel), what the outcome would be?

And then back to my question as a kid, what choice do we have if it is already known before I am born where I will spend my eternity, (if that is what I believed in)?

It wasn’t until a handful of years ago that I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer, (the “tool,” oh wait, that was someone else nevermind), that I understood choice.

I’m going to use the terms vibrate and frequency and source…one can interchange wording that they may understand better, such and god, walking hand in hand with, etc…

Dr. Dyer speaks about “source,” (in the Power of Intention), being the energy that is everything, or in everything, or that keeps everything going. That source is a vibration, just as light and sound are vibrations, except that source energy is the perfect frequency. Everything at that frequency is in harmony. It is the perfect cause and effect.

It is said that we are born either close or in that perfect frequency and then we are guided out of it through life as we know it.

What Dr. Dyer says in the Power of Intention, is that we cover up our closeness to source with negativity and resistances, such as revenge, jealousy, etc….The bible has a good list of things that it mentions that keep Christians further away from god or heaven.

Now this is where choice finally started to make sense to me.

I can choose to accept what is, I can attempt to love unconditionally, I can not feed my ego with things like who’s right or who’s wrong, or jealousy or revenge or that long list of negative resistances, and allow the true nature of who I really am….

I am part of that perfect frequency that is source….and the closer I get to that frequency, the more in tune or in harmony with all that there is, I am.

In a nutshell, life becomes a joy, or easier when one does not resist it but goes with it’s flow. I don’t have to agree with some things that people do or say, but I can accept that they do say and do them….and I can still choose how I want to effect the world.

Or I can choose to let my ego rule me and plan revengeful things and be right and everyone else is wrong and we all know how that life feels or we have seen those who complain about that type of living.

I believe we do influence everything around us. We attract into our lives not what we want consciously but what we have been programmed to believe at the unconscious level.

I have a choice and with that choice comes a shift in frequency, and with that change in frequency comes a projection from me, I influence my outcome. There is no random. It is said that if one knows everything, one can predict the future, probably because of cause and effect, but since everything is constantly changing, one would have to know even the changes before they happen in order to predict the future…and at some level, it is said that even the changes are predictable if enough circumstances are known.

Does everything happen for a reason?

We are the ones who determine the reasons, so we don’t have to reframe everything.

Dr. Dimartini, (the tool, oops, wrong guy), talks about gratitude. That there is a bright side to everything. He talked about even a bright side to a brutal killing of a child, and the audience asked how can that be so. He said, because the family lost one of their sons, from that moment on, they raised their other two sons with as much love and attention that they probably wouldn’t have if their third son had lived. It doesn’t change what happened but there was no reason to attach a reason of negativity to something….that is a choice humans do.

There was another question by an audience member asking about another tragedy involving murder and rape and couldn’t see anything good about that. So Dimartini said, “if you can’t see the good in something, you are not trying hard enough.”

Then he said, if I were to offer you $100,000,000.00 million dollars tax free to come up with one good thing that could come from that, and it doesn’t have to be life changing, just one good thing, do you think you could do that?

If you can’t see the good in things, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Living in gratitude has many rewards.

I do apologize if anyone was offended, that is not my intention and I thank you for allowing all views without hostility.

Respectfully,
Steve

PS….Reframing may not always be the answer….look at the idea of secondary gains….would you want to reframe those outcomes and keep the unwanted behavior or results of programming that may no longer be useful?
But by reframing the program, by looking at what was excepted previously with the eyes of now, with the learnings that makes that ancient programming meaningless….that is one way reframing is useful.

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on June 3, 2009 at 5:58am

Hi Joe,

I'm totally with you on your question about insults, disrespect and exclusion of others ideas. You can check out my blog or discussion on communication and add what you would like to the discussion.

I've noticed that we all seem to be watching our tempers and ways of expressing our ideas with more mindfulness lately. It's good to remember for all of us.

I'm sorry if you got whacked by someone's thoughtless scorn or rudeness. It's not only upsetting to those of us who put ourselves out there but it scares the daylights out of those who would like to post but are not as brave.

Susan

JoeK said:

How about when someone insults, disrespects, or excludes other people's ideas on a forum. How would we reframe that?

As for the neurosurgeon..... how about "well now you can get a real focus on what is important to you in life and find the motivation to get it done..... no more procrastination, no more "I'll do it a different time". Some people only realize that when they are much older and long out of the prime of their life and they can't achieve those goals anymore, he gets to have that opportunity when he is 40 and on top of his game.

As for the woman..... she has experienced something that very few people experience. That puts her in a unique place when it comes to helping others who have been damaged. She can empathize with them and help them heal.
It is only at the highest levels of competition that the greatest tests are given, and the learnings are always greater when the test is harder.
What has she learned from her experience that nobody in the world knows?
What does she now understand about herself and her ability to persist and make it to today alive and kicking even with what she went through. Others might have committed suicide. She stuck around and isn't doing as bad as she might if she weren't as strong as she is.

Joe

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Susan French on June 3, 2009 at 6:32am

Hi Steve,

I agree with your ideas...very much.

Maybe we don't have the same idea of what "everything happens for a reason" means.

My own beliefs (which are not really beliefs, they are the closest guess I can achieve right now in my life) were formed in an agnostic/atheist household. Later in life I had a spiritual awakening that let me come to an idea that there is a Higher Force/Intelligence/Source/Resource/Consciousness.

I somehow don't believe that there's a guy in the sky with a long white beard who decides who's naughty and who's nice, or who gets and who doesn't, etc.

I don't believe there's a divine plan in the traditional way, therefore, I don't believe that things happen for a reason, at least not very often.

I tend to believe that this universal energy source works more like the Buddhists and the Quantum Physics/Mechanics guys believe (if you haven't seen"What the Bleep do We Know," take the time to see it. You won't be sorry, I promise).

I think that we may decide many of our life's lessons before we are born and that there's a decent case for reincarnation. (At least the thought of reincarnation calms me when I think about death, so it works for me.)

Joe: she attempted suicide a number of times and she is still frequently suicidal. She's beginning to have memories come up (after two years) of his attempting to molest her. Her mother watched her like a hawk because they lived with the disgusting pig monster when she was little. Remember, her father was also her grandfather.

If you give it some thought you'll realize that her conflict is: if I hate him and wish him dead, then it somehow invalidates my birth and existence. If she has feelings like that she wished he had not hurt her mother, that would mean that she wished she was not in existence. Pretty damn tough existential feelings.

My point, though, is that I couldn't imagine this kind of scenario being planned by any divine source. The closest I can get is that there might have been some monstrous lesson to be learned bc the victim had inflicted similar misery on someone else.

I understand and agree that when confronted with this kind of scenario you have to do your best to "reframe" or try to find a perspective that softens the hurt, anger, feelings of betrayal and unfairness in some way. Having gone through some really hard things in my own life, coming from a dysfunctional background but nothing like this, and some really difficult problems myself, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be who I am if not for those experiences. I wouldn't have my insight, compassion, understanding.

However, those words and ideas seem hollow when I try to say them to someone who is still in agony over their life battles.

Here is the closest I've gotten to some kind of perspective to help people move on:

Sometimes I cry with them. Sometimes I hold them while they cry or rage. I always say how sorry I am that they are in that kind of pain. I say things like: I know that I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like for you.

Then, when the pain passes a little from being released, I've found it most practical and helpful to say something like: what happened to you was horrible. Your feelings are natural and valid. However, if you can't find a way to put it in the past, see it in the past, feel it in the past and no longer affecting you, YOU are the one who still suffers, every day, in fact. The person (who hurt you) doesn't care, obviously. But everyday that you live in anger, rage, sorrow, despair, feelings of betrayal and violation, you are the one who continues to suffer daily.

Then I find every way possible to help them to see that it was in the past. Some people advocate forgiveness. I find in the worst cases, the person may be unwilling to forgive and I'm not so sure it's the right thing to ask. I think it's more reasonable to ask them to start thinking about releasing their emotional attachment to what happened. Surrendering to the horribleness of it and moving on. Accepting that it DID happen, that it was horrible, and begin to let go of it.

I've found this to be more acceptable to people who are still in a great deal of pain and confusion. I find this idea is helpful for the smallest hurt and the largest. In this way they can also begin to let go of any anger at themselves, any doubt, any feelings of responsibility or guilt.

In other words, whether you stub your toe or you lose a child or are losing your life, if you focus on how to let go and accept that it happened, letting the problem be in the past, it can be accomplished more easily, I think, than constructing a benefit. The feeling of benefit comes after the letting go. At least, I think so.

Just some thoughts.

Susan

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on June 3, 2009 at 7:54am

Hi Conrad,

How would you help these people? If you have a better idea or a different idea, will you share it with us?

Susan

Conrad Cook said:

I've never really liked that frame. Some people swear by it. It's bargaining, in my opinion.

Not everything is positive.

C.

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Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on June 3, 2009 at 8:31am

Hi Susan,

I agree with how you actknowledge and validate things, but I don't believe in the crying with them, I think that re enforces that they should continue to suffer, if I wasn't interested in helping them, then crying with them would definitely make them feel better as it reinforces the need to suffer and the pleasure we get with sympathy.

I don't want to criticize everything you wrote even though I do agree with a lot of it....and I would be happy to if you want, and I might if I can find time later, but I wanted to add something that I think is also important.

One of the things that I feel is so important and I learned this from having an interest in Milton Erickson, is to some way show people, in trance or even not in a formal trance, that they are control of their behavior, consciously or unconsciously and there are many ways to do this.

I once recieved a phone call from a lady who was hurting from a breakup, I don't remember if this was before she was a client or after, but I asked her, on a scale of 1 to ten, where her pain is, and she said, "I don't want to here about your f'en scale," so I said I can't communicate with you at your present mindset, where are you on the scale? She said alright, (the minute she said alright, I knew it was going to be ok), I'm at 10....I said bullsh*t, if you were at ten, you wouldn't even be able to talk to me like this, really where are you, she said 7. I said ok, now take it to 8 or 9 then as soon as she took it there, whether she did or not, I then told her to bring down to 5 so we can talk, I knew all she wanted to do was vent, so I used that to show her she had control…..and….when this is shown to them, it starts the process of change if that is what is wanted.

Another example: when Milton Erickson told the woman who was seeing him for weight loss, to gain 15 pounds and then come back.

I don’t have that confidence yet in communication with the unconscious to have someone put on weight, but what he was showing was that she has control over her weight. Would that work for everyone? Hell no. But in showing someone they have control over something, it gives them the power that they have always had.

You can even tell a story or a guided imagery metaphor story with or without a purpose and the minute you see them following your story, they become very present, and the more present they are, the further their pain is from their conscious mind…..and to just point out that it is known by them at some level how to set their suffering aside……now let’s work on doing it on purpose, let’s do it for 5 seconds and you can have them describe the surroundings….what do they see right now, what do they here right now. Baby steps.

Once the pattern is altered, it can be changed.

Steve

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Permalink Reply by Graham Howes on June 3, 2009 at 9:21am

On the past life regression front I personally believe that if there is abreaction in THAT life then you run the risk of giving someone Post Traumatic Stress in THIS life where it wasn't before - I believe in trying to resolve the knock on effects in THIS life. Incidentally as well as reframing I find that regression to cause and abreaction in that sense usually is rewarding and releasing.

I give an example of one way that I worked on a supposed agoraphobic - who it seemed to me had been misdiagnosed and effectively written off - a mental health professional actually told her that she would NEVER be better and would have to learn to live with it. Her MOther called me in to visit her at home.
The client who was diagnosed by a Doctor and as well as a Mental Health Professional as Agoraphobic because she hadn't been far from the house for 9 years. My first question is what she did to wind down if stressed apart from take the prescribed tranquillisers? She told me that she sat in a field and stared over the beautiful area.... didn't sound agoraphobic to me... When she went out she had disabling panic attacks. Why? She had to know where everyone that she knew was in case she needed help. Any sense of being trapped or unable to get help put her into a very bad panic attack.

I did some confidence boosting and ego strengthening and I regressed her using a metaphor that I have developed. I took her down to a relatively deep level of hypnosis and put her in a safe place that she could return to by raising a finger to signify to me also that she was fidning it too much. I suggested that she was entering a Film Library awhich ONLY had movies of her life. The friendly librarian is there to help. I suggest that her subconcious knows the root of the problem and that the relevant film is on a shelf. I then ask her to lift it down when I say NOW. I ask what title is on the reel she said: "tragedy" and who is in the film. She says herself her friend and her pony. Iask when this was and what age she is -she says 10 years of age. We go to the cinema projection room and she will see the film at a safe distance and describe it to me. In short the pony bolted with her friend on it - who could not ride properly. She ran along in pursuit and panic yelling for help and rounded a corner to find the pony eviscerated in the road - hit by a car - and her friend had fallen off into a ditch and needed Hospitalisation.. she didn't have an abreaction to this but was nevertheless badly shaken. We talked about the pony at some length - she had been labelled a horse killer at school and had gone off the rails - years of drug abuse and abusive relationships grew from this culminating in a rewarding relationship but the inablity to go far from her base without risk to herself.

I proceeded by giving her stategies for the Panic attacks involving NLP anchoring and deep breathing - associating "Calm" with a place that she feels safe. I worked on reframing her feeling of being unable to get help and fear of being alone using confusional techniques to make her actually value "being alone sometimes" because people always being there would be a hassle and it is OK to be alone sometimes. I also took her on a metaphorical journey over a bridge to a future where after bating and casting off the heavy rucksack of her past she would be able to view the future as an exciting journey where she could risk take with reduced fear. There is obviously more but the upshot was that she is able to travel driving a car - not entirely without some trepidation ( which I said was good!) but entirely without totally disabling panic attacks.

Susan French said:

Hi Antonio,
I'm not necessarily a believer in "everything happens for a reason." In fact, though I have some deep spiritual feelings, I think primarily that s**t happens randomly. I have very strong idea that we may very well reincarnate because we're here to learn soul lessons (if there is such a thing as a "soul") which we predetermine.
However, I think your idea is a really good one bc these kinds of events in a person's life need reframing and it's often very hard to do.

So I'll add a couple of examples too and then make some attempt at finding a way to reframe them so that these events can be accepted so the person can get on with his/her life.

4) A 36-year old woman learns at 18 that her grandfather is her father, due to ongoing incest and rape of her mother, which also resulted in several other children as well. He was also visciously abusive to her brothers, both physically and emotionally and everyone else around him except her. Her mother kept a VERY close eye on on her growing up so that nothing would happen to her but she is way, way overweight, suffers extreme anxiety and depression. He is a big muck-a-muck in his church and a hypocrite of the most vile type.

So then: how DO you find a way to let her put this to rest? (She refuses to consider forgiving him because he is still a pig and will die soon.)

5) 40 year old neurosurgeon is diagnosed with a rare metabolic disorder that seems to have no cure and only stabilizing treatment.

6) Another woman of similar age struggles with being another product of incest (hidden from public, of course) and is later raped in her own home by someone who breaks in.

I had a long, frustrating, and miserable conversation on a couple of other regression groups who were of the opinion that abreaction and forgiveness were the only ways through it. I balked and am struggling a lot with this specific idea.

If my post is moving the conversation off-topic, please forgive me. I can post it as another discussion but I would love to hear how others help themselves and clients to acceptance and resolution when "bad things happen to good people."

I'm going to chew on it a bit myself and then come back with some ideas.

I hope everyone throws in any and all ideas, which DO NOT insult, disrespect, or exclude other people's ideas.

Great topic.

Susan

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Permalink Reply by Graham Howes on June 3, 2009 at 9:34am

I agree with you Susan - I have often suggested to a client that they can continue to let the event contnue to control their lives or they can gain some control by acknowledging it and letting it go - to bravely move forward.

Susan French said:

Hi Steve,

I agree with your ideas...very much.

Maybe we don't have the same idea of what "everything happens for a reason" means.

My own beliefs (which are not really beliefs, they are the closest guess I can achieve right now in my life) were formed in an agnostic/atheist household. Later in life I had a spiritual awakening that let me come to an idea that there is a Higher Force/Intelligence/Source/Resource/Consciousness.

I somehow don't believe that there's a guy in the sky with a long white beard who decides who's naughty and who's nice, or who gets and who doesn't, etc.

I don't believe there's a divine plan in the traditional way, therefore, I don't believe that things happen for a reason, at least not very often.

I tend to believe that this universal energy source works more like the Buddhists and the Quantum Physics/Mechanics guys believe (if you haven't seen"What the Bleep do We Know," take the time to see it. You won't be sorry, I promise).

I think that we may decide many of our life's lessons before we are born and that there's a decent case for reincarnation. (At least the thought of reincarnation calms me when I think about death, so it works for me.)

Joe: she attempted suicide a number of times and she is still frequently suicidal. She's beginning to have memories come up (after two years) of his attempting to molest her. Her mother watched her like a hawk because they lived with the disgusting pig monster when she was little. Remember, her father was also her grandfather.

If you give it some thought you'll realize that her conflict is: if I hate him and wish him dead, then it somehow invalidates my birth and existence. If she has feelings like that she wished he had not hurt her mother, that would mean that she wished she was not in existence. Pretty damn tough existential feelings.

My point, though, is that I couldn't imagine this kind of scenario being planned by any divine source. The closest I can get is that there might have been some monstrous lesson to be learned bc the victim had inflicted similar misery on someone else.

I understand and agree that when confronted with this kind of scenario you have to do your best to "reframe" or try to find a perspective that softens the hurt, anger, feelings of betrayal and unfairness in some way. Having gone through some really hard things in my own life, coming from a dysfunctional background but nothing like this, and some really difficult problems myself, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be who I am if not for those experiences. I wouldn't have my insight, compassion, understanding.

However, those words and ideas seem hollow when I try to say them to someone who is still in agony over their life battles.

Here is the closest I've gotten to some kind of perspective to help people move on:

Sometimes I cry with them. Sometimes I hold them while they cry or rage. I always say how sorry I am that they are in that kind of pain. I say things like: I know that I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like for you.

Then, when the pain passes a little from being released, I've found it most practical and helpful to say something like: what happened to you was horrible. Your feelings are natural and valid. However, if you can't find a way to put it in the past, see it in the past, feel it in the past and no longer affecting you, YOU are the one who still suffers, every day, in fact. The person (who hurt you) doesn't care, obviously. But everyday that you live in anger, rage, sorrow, despair, feelings of betrayal and violation, you are the one who continues to suffer daily.

Then I find every way possible to help them to see that it was in the past. Some people advocate forgiveness. I find in the worst cases, the person may be unwilling to forgive and I'm not so sure it's the right thing to ask. I think it's more reasonable to ask them to start thinking about releasing their emotional attachment to what happened. Surrendering to the horribleness of it and moving on. Accepting that it DID happen, that it was horrible, and begin to let go of it.

I've found this to be more acceptable to people who are still in a great deal of pain and confusion. I find this idea is helpful for the smallest hurt and the largest. In this way they can also begin to let go of any anger at themselves, any doubt, any feelings of responsibility or guilt.

In other words, whether you stub your toe or you lose a child or are losing your life, if you focus on how to let go and accept that it happened, letting the problem be in the past, it can be accomplished more easily, I think, than constructing a benefit. The feeling of benefit comes after the letting go. At least, I think so.

Just some thoughts.

Susan

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Antonio on June 3, 2009 at 2:01pm

I think most people have misconstrued "everything happens for a reason" as meaning a positive reason. I will always believe everything happens for a reason, and its not always a positive reason. I personally feel that its wise to help the clients grieve, and allow them to see an alternative viewpoint...possibly threw metaphor and what not.

Scott Brown said:

Hi Antonio,

“Everything happens for a reason” that the stuff-ageing hippy and ambulance chasing lawyers come out with.

The trick to dealing with life problems is to learn to be indifferent to suffering and hardship. Attempting to put a positive spin on something does not make it better and seldoms helps.

Coming to terms with the understand that nothing is forever as change is part life and when things do change its usually never for the better will usually help keep one from going goo goo gaa gaa.

Warmest Regards

Scott

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Permalink Reply by Joe K Fobes on June 3, 2009 at 6:36pm

Nononono

I'm advocating that the insult, disrespect, and temper police have a seat and simply let it be.

I was figuring that if we reframe the insults then it might be possible that the insultees would stop accepting them, chill out, and let the chips fall where they may.

Whatever.

Joe



Susan French said:

Hi Joe,

I'm totally with you on your question about insults, disrespect and exclusion of others ideas. You can check out my blog or discussion on communication and add what you would like to the discussion.

I've noticed that we all seem to be watching our tempers and ways of expressing our ideas with more mindfulness lately. It's good to remember for all of us.

I'm sorry if you got whacked by someone's thoughtless scorn or rudeness. It's not only upsetting to those of us who put ourselves out there but it scares the daylights out of those who would like to post but are not as brave.

Susan

JoeK said:

How about when someone insults, disrespects, or excludes other people's ideas on a forum. How would we reframe that?

As for the neurosurgeon..... how about "well now you can get a real focus on what is important to you in life and find the motivation to get it done..... no more procrastination, no more "I'll do it a different time". Some people only realize that when they are much older and long out of the prime of their life and they can't achieve those goals anymore, he gets to have that opportunity when he is 40 and on top of his game.

As for the woman..... she has experienced something that very few people experience. That puts her in a unique place when it comes to helping others who have been damaged. She can empathize with them and help them heal.
It is only at the highest levels of competition that the greatest tests are given, and the learnings are always greater when the test is harder.
What has she learned from her experience that nobody in the world knows?
What does she now understand about herself and her ability to persist and make it to today alive and kicking even with what she went through. Others might have committed suicide. She stuck around and isn't doing as bad as she might if she weren't as strong as she is.

Joe

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Fable Goodman on June 4, 2009 at 1:03am

JoeK said:

Nononono

I'm advocating that the insult, disrespect, and temper police have a seat and simply let it be.

I was figuring that if we reframe the insults then it might be possible that the insultees would stop accepting them, chill out, and let the chips fall where they may.BR>
Joe

Thanks Joe,

I'm all in favour of letting things drop where they may. (you should see the state of my kitchen floor!)
If anyone come in and says "my god, look at the state of your kitchen.."
I just smile and say "thanks!"

If they say "how did it get in such a mess?"

I'll just tell them "everything happens for a reason... perhaps the kitchen got in that state, so that you would have a chance to critisize, and feel superior"

With a bit of luck, I might be able to persuade them to tidy up for me and wash the dishes.

Love and hugs, (from a very lazy)

Fable

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