Extreme Shyness and Embarrassment

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Permalink Reply by Kelley Woods on August 5, 2010 at 7:20pm

Hey Melissa,

People who are overly shy are usually focused on the belief that everyone else is focusing on THEM. Changing that belief with the idea that each of us is more likely thinking about OURSELVES can create change in the right direction.

Best wishes,

Kelley

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Permalink Reply by Kevin Cole-NLPTrainingQuest.com on August 5, 2010 at 10:02pm

This is funny, Melissa... 2 of my students have called me about similar issues. More specifically they both have clients that are dealing with a phobia of blushing... (Both self diagnosed of course).

Anyway, the answers I gave both of them is to help them elicit their strategy for what they're doing inside their head that's causing them to feel this way. More specifically, what are they imagining in their head, what are they hearing and what are they saying to themselves that's causing them to feel this way.

Thoughts create feelings and feelings affect our actions.

Once they know HOW they "Do Shyness" then you've got something you can work in modifying their learned behavior into a better/more resourceful one with in many different ways including many basic NLP techniques (including something as simple as a Swish Pattern) and traditional hypnosis techniques (including something as simple as futurepacing confidence).

And of course you can help them fully associate to a time where they felt totally confident (ideally a time where they started out feeling shy but turned it into a confident experience despite some initial shyness/fear) and as they fully associate to that confidence, ask them to give themselves a resource anchor.

Let me know if you'd like me to expand on that. I typed it up fairly quickly...

Always a pleasure, Melissa...

Kevin

Live NLP, Life Coach & Hypnosis Certification Training

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Permalink Reply by Melissa J. Roth on August 6, 2010 at 6:35am

Thanks, Kevin. I had already decided a Swish Pattern would probably be one of the resources I would use. You're right, of course about eliciting their stragety for doing "shyness" and "embarrassment." I have seen 2 of the 3 once before and they are very non-communicative. Since they are shy I know they are overly focused on their internal emotional state. But getting them to communicate with me is like pulling teeth. It is painful for both of us. One is in total denial and insists she is not shy. Yet, I'd have to get on the floor to see her eyes and I need a hearing aid to understand her when she does speak. Ugh. I have to depend almost entirely on her physiology shifts to get any information about what is happening with her. Those give me information that she is making shifts but who knows WHAT shifts? I've already used resource anchors with the 2 that I have seen. I used anchors that they would be forced to fire--rubbing their palms together (hand washing). Today I plan to give them an anchor they can use in public.

And, Kelley, we have talked both in-trance and outside of trance about the fact that no one else notices because they are more focused on themselves. However, I strongly suspect that the teenager of the 3 has used his shyness as a means of getting attention. Yes, it is negative attention but negative attention is still attention. He's a cute boy and what tender hearted girl has not wanted to help a shy, cute boy come out of his shell???? What do you think about me giving him a switch that he can use to turn on his embarrassment and turn it off when he doesn't need it? What do you think?



Kevin Cole-NLPTrainingQuest.com said:

This is funny, Melissa... 2 of my students have called me about similar issues. More specifically they both have clients that are dealing with a phobia of blushing... (Both self diagnosed of course).

Anyway, the answers I gave both of them is to help them elicit their strategy for what they're doing inside their head that's causing them to feel this way. More specifically, what are they imagining in their head, what are they hearing and what are they saying to themselves that's causing them to feel this way.

Thoughts create feelings and feelings affect our actions.

Once they know HOW they "Do Shyness" then you've got something you can work in modifying their learned behavior into a better/more resourceful one with in many different ways including many basic NLP techniques (including something as simple as a Swish Pattern) and traditional hypnosis techniques (including something as simple as futurepacing confidence).

And of course you can help them fully associate to a time where they felt totally confident (ideally a time where they started out feeling shy but turned it into a confident experience despite some initial shyness/fear) and as they fully associate to that confidence, ask them to give themselves a resource anchor.

Let me know if you'd like me to expand on that. I typed it up fairly quickly...

Always a pleasure, Melissa...

Kevin

Live NLP, Life Coach & Hypnosis Certification Training

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Permalink Reply by AJ on August 6, 2010 at 6:50am

Shyness to confront others
Desensitization. Observe fear factor. Have client with open eyes face her fears. Build up her confidence step by step. Place the "demon" in her path. At first she may run away. Soon she may walk around it from a distance. Eventually she will be told to approach the demon. She will have to confront it directly. Upon getting closer to it, she will soon discover that she can greet it and make peace with it. This is her healing journey. Details are up to the imagination.

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Permalink Reply by Kelley Woods on August 6, 2010 at 6:52am

Hi Melissa,

I think you've hit on a great truth: that the shyness serves a purpose. Does this young man really want change? Perhaps a bit of Parts work will reveal what is really going on, to him!

I like the switch idea and you might also want to implement a Circle of Confidence or Golden Rings strategy. Or, modify Hartland's Ego Strengthening script, or, how about Don Gibbon's BEST ME approach?! Anything that will enhance confidence and self esteem will be helpful for shy clients of any age, in my opinion...

Regards, Kelley

Attachments:

• GoldenRings.txt, 3 KB

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Permalink Reply by Kevin Cole-NLPTrainingQuest.com on August 6, 2010 at 7:48am

Totally agree with Kelley here. They gotta want it, or it will drain the heck out of you... And if it's still like pulling teeth, I let the dentist handle that and work with what they are ready to work on (and sneak in some confidence building in a way that doesn't come across as you addressing a problem they don't think they have), then build on their successes from there...


Kelley Woods said:

Hi Melissa,

I think you've hit on a great truth: that the shyness serves a purpose. Does this young man really want change? Perhaps a bit of Parts work will reveal what is really going on, to him!

I like the switch idea and you might also want to implement a Circle of Confidence or Golden Rings strategy. Or, modify Hartland's Ego Strengthening script, or, how about Don Gibbon's BEST ME approach?! Anything that will enhance confidence and self esteem will be helpful for shy clients of any age, in my opinion...

Regards, Kelley

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on August 6, 2010 at 1:11pm

Hi Melissa-

Consider using my emotional detox with suggestions of confidence and self-assurance
YouTube - Self-Hypnosis for Self-Confidence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7xp-hacrwo

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Permalink Reply by Rob McKeon on August 6, 2010 at 2:46pm

Melissa, you may get some ideas or benefit from the following cognitive model of social phobia (social anxiety disorder), I the point about processing of self as a social object is quite important:
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/class/psy394U/Bower/12%20An...

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Permalink Reply by Melissa J. Roth on August 7, 2010 at 9:00am

These are all wonderful suggestions. Unfortunately, I didn't get to try any of them. I had just started the induction for the first of the 3 when a thunderstorm knocked the power out in the entire area, not just the building. It was an impressive storm and everyone in the building moved to the center of the building away from all the plate glass windows. I ended up rescheduling all 3 clients for this coming week so I have some time to mull over what I want to do for each of them. The one that concerns me most is a 50'ish woman whom I believe is totally demoralized by her situation. She does not have hope that she can be any different than she is now and is only coming because her husband insists. She is very willing to participate and will do whatever I tell her. But, she is simply without hope of her own. I ache for her.

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Permalink Reply by Kelley Woods on August 7, 2010 at 3:12pm

A divine intervention! I bet you can build a wonderful metaphor out of that thunderstorm, Melissa.

Regarding your 50ish woman: This makes me think about how important it is to create belief that change is possible. I use examples from the past and possibilities from the future to instill this in my clients. Something tells me that you will be able to help her discover belief...

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Permalink Reply by Melissa J. Roth on August 7, 2010 at 3:33pm

Yeah, Kelley, the Universe recognized I was empty after a week of tough client challenges. I was just burned out from too many contact hours. Most of the time my clients respond dramatically. But, every once-in-awhile you get a client who just doesn't make the changes they came for. They are invested and I know I've done good work with them but they just don't change. For whatever reasons, I had a run of them last week. 3 in one week. And, I HATE treatment failures. They drive me around the bend. I can't just chalk it up to the fact nobody gets 100% and move on. Oh, no. I have to examine every word each of us said. I have to try out 50 new ways to say what needs to be said. I drive myself looney. So, after having 3 of those in one week and having booked myself with too many hours, I was exhausted mentally and physically. I could not have given those clients good service. I was grateful the thunderstorm got me off the hook.

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Permalink Reply by Kevin Cole-NLPTrainingQuest.com on August 7, 2010 at 8:00pm

You're a pretty cool lady, Melissa. Just felt like saying that...

Enjoy the rest of your weekend

Kevin

Melissa J. Roth said:

Yeah, Kelley, the Universe recognized I was empty after a week of tough client challenges. I was just burned out from too many contact hours. Most of the time my clients respond dramatically. But, every once-in-awhile you get a client who just doesn't make the changes they came for. They are invested and I know I've done good work with them but they just don't change. For whatever reasons, I had a run of them last week. 3 in one week. And, I HATE treatment failures. They drive me around the bend. I can't just chalk it up to the fact nobody gets 100% and move on. Oh, no. I have to examine every word each of us said. I have to try out 50 new ways to say what needs to be said. I drive myself looney. So, after having 3 of those in one week and having booked myself with too many hours, I was exhausted mentally and physically. I could not have given those clients good service. I was grateful the thunderstorm got me off the hook.

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