Giving too much, too much compassion?

All,

I'm working with a client who offers too much in personal and business relationships. She feels lots of compassion for others, making sure that they're doing well; even to her detriment. She offers her business services well below their worth.

I look forward to your suggestions and experience. What have you done in similar situations? What do you suggest I read. How to proceed?

This will be a process of peeling the onion to find out what may have lead to these behaviors. By now these behaviors may be free standing and automatic. Given these behaviors may have taken on a life of their own much of my work will be directed to improving her sense of self.

The client is very motivated! She's fed up with being on the short end of the stick!

Thanks, Walt

Favorite

0 members favorited this

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Henxy on July 13, 2011 at 6:31am

Perspective.

If this lady is giving others advice, why should they listen if she values what and who she is so little?

I devised a quick technique which involves 3 pairs of glasses: '

One pair you’ve been wearing for a long time now: they are dark shades… They make things look darker and bleaker than they actually are… They make you look at all the possible negatives as if they’re fact…

Another pair is a pink pair… You know that viewing the world through rose-tinted glasses can ignore problems, can blind you to real problems that do exist… This can also cause you troubles…

The final pair is transparent. When you put these on, you get greater clarity. You see more clearly… Things just the way they are… Perhaps no better, but definitely no worse than they really are… Wearing these glasses helps you to make appropriate decisions, to make choices which help you to fulfil your promise: to do whatever it takes to become the best you that you can be… The happiest, the healthiest and the most fulfilled.

Choose now which pair you want to wear… and see things more clearly now, just the way they are.'

Not everything is solved quite this quickly, but it allows the client, along with the (butter)fly on the wall technique to see the inconsistencies between their actions and their perceptions.

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Vince C on July 13, 2011 at 6:54am

Neat trick with the glasses but it's really limiting things to visual and to 3 choices. She'll be imprinted to choose the clear glasses and live life incongruently (with more issues to develop) or she'll reject (because her ideal choice was not there)

Let her choose the parts and name them herself. One part "wants to give" and another part "fed up." She will reveal her own modality/referential system/ time line etc.

Also, don't assume sense of self is an issue. Sure, throw it in as part of a shotgun approach but any work there should be unconscious and indirect since you dont want to introduce any new issues (i.e. questioning her sense of self while she is in parts YIKES!)

Henxy said:

Perspective.

If this lady is giving others advice, why should they listen if she values what and who she is so little?

I devised a quick technique which involves 3 pairs of glasses: '

One pair you’ve been wearing for a long time now: they are dark shades… They make things look darker and bleaker than they actually are… They make you look at all the possible negatives as if they’re fact…

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 13, 2011 at 7:40am

@ Walt:

What exactly is/are your client's specfic goal(s)?

@ Vince-

Approximately 1 in 30 clients are literal/analytical in my practice and your opinion is highly valuable when assisting these clients. Having said that, I think Henxy's recipe is excellent and I believe most clients will simply ferret out the intended symbolic meaning and make a healthy choice.

FYI - I have helped alot of people get out of their heads by putting them in touch with their inner-out-of-control freak.

It is hot and muggy in NYC -- How's things in the Windy City?

Warmest regards,

Michael E. @ http://www.nycanxietyhypnosis.com

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Vince C on July 13, 2011 at 8:17am

Hey Don Ellner,

We're 2 days ahead of you in weather so you can be thankful that the mugginess dropped off the tornados here (as always)before coming to the big apple. Worst power outage here in 13 years! (except for me and mine--getting free ice cream) Remember NYC Summer 1977?

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Walt on July 13, 2011 at 8:54am

All,

Well it was clear in my mind.......

I wrote: ....who offers too much in personal and business....

That was really misleading! I was trying to convey that she valued herself too little. Offering to work for $15 for a task that was worth $40. Giving away her time and skills so that she becomes overloaded. All someone has to do is ask.

Now she wants to change. She thinks she does this behavior so that she'll be valued by others, liked, safe. Saying no may make someone unhappy.

In a simple phrase:

@Michael:

She wants to be able to say No and feel safe about doing so.

Thanks for your replies so far,

Walt

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 13, 2011 at 8:57am

Yes -- I can remember the Summer of 1977 ... I close my eyes and I can still see folks running down the street carrying stolen TV's and big appliances --

FYI - I haven't heard a peep about your power-outages in the media.

Vince C said:

Hey Don Ellner,

We're 2 days ahead of you in weather so you can be thankful that the mugginess dropped off the tornados here (as always)before coming to the big apple. Worst power outage here in 13 years! (except for me and mine--getting free ice cream) Remember NYC Summer 1977?

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by John Cleesattel on July 13, 2011 at 9:40am

Walt,

It sounds like you first need to identify the specific goal, and the specific issue involved (self esteem issue? coping mechanism? etc). Let your client tell you the best way to fix it. (i.e. ask my favorite question: If absolutely anything were possible...what would the best solution be?)

As far as changing a behavior goes...Don't make it unnecessarily difficult. Most behaviors are free standing and automatic.. thats why they are called behaviors.

If you want to change a behavior, talk to the manager in charge and negotiate the change. Direct suggest that the change has now happened and then compound it, then just future pace them and enable them to feel good and empowered about living with the new desirable behavior.

I hope this is helpful

John

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 13, 2011 at 9:57am

Okay --

A) Explore her resources. Is there any area of her life where she is Assertive?

B) If yes - WORK IT!

C) If not - Does she have a role model? If she does WORK IT!

D) - If not, have her Idenify and expperience the qualities needed for a well rounded resource state and build it and WORK IT.

Walt Potter said:

@Michael:

She wants to be able to say No and feel safe about doing so.

Walt

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Bill Kennedy on July 13, 2011 at 11:54am

A good book on this subject is "When I say no I feel guilty." http://www.transcendedu.com/upload/when-i-say-no-i-feel-guilty-smit... I got it for someone at work, who found it very helpful.

Oops, that's a resource for the conscious mind. ;-)

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Nathan Welch on July 13, 2011 at 12:07pm

Hi Walt

My thoughts on this are that as human beings we all need significance a sense of purpose, it seems from what you wrote this lady has this a bit about face!!

She gets significance and purpose at her own expense, which feeds her purpose and attention needs but results in a lowering of self worth/value and then has her feeling guilty and taken for granted??

I would work on how she gets and integrates her understanding of significance, flip it reframe it, add a dash or assertiveness a sprinkle of forgiveness and a helping and practicing of being able to say and feel ok about the word NO

You have had some great advice here already mix it up shake it about and come up with your own plan from the whole mix, enjoy and lets us know how you get on smiles Nath

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Carol Sanders on July 13, 2011 at 3:05pm

Appears to be to be a co-dependant, approval addict, extreme people pleaser to the point that she is allowing herself to be taken advantage of....does she find her self "worthy"...is she "good enough" in her own mind...self worth, self appreciate....is there religious beliefs interfereing....( woman is a possesion and not a person, woman is to submit to man for mans desire/purpose etc )....is the some unhealthy guilt going on.......Just some things you might ponder with her to see what the core of that inability to say NO or inablitity to follow thru with her business boundries, principals and goals...etc...

▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Melina Johnson on July 13, 2011 at 7:46pm

I used to do the same thing... I worked for a long time without having the "heart" to charge my clients. The first consultation always ended up with me doing a free session. I wanted to help as many people as possible, and I had many other sources of income anyways, so I had a hard time charging for the sessions. Of course it wasn't my plan to do 100% of the work for free. So why I was having such a hard time telling people how much I charged? Trust me, I looked for guilt, low self-esteem, insecurity, fear of success, you name it. Didn't find really anything that matched my subconscious reasons not to charge my clients.

Well... one day I was talking to my metaphysics mentor and I mentioned that I just felt like doing this work for free for as long as I could. I wanted to just help others, not profit from it. She looked at me and said "no, don't do that. If you help someone and they don't give you anything in return, they will owe you for life. You don't want this type of karma." Let's just say that I never did a free session after that.

I think there is always a reason why someone says they "can't" do something. Sometimes, it is quite obvious, others not so much. My point is (and I agree with Nath and Carol), we must dig for the hidden cause. I wanted to share my own, because my reason wasn't as logical as I would thought.

Melina