Giving too much, too much compassion?

All,

I'm working with a client who offers too much in personal and business relationships. She feels lots of compassion for others, making sure that they're doing well; even to her detriment. She offers her business services well below their worth.

I look forward to your suggestions and experience. What have you done in similar situations? What do you suggest I read. How to proceed?

This will be a process of peeling the onion to find out what may have lead to these behaviors. By now these behaviors may be free standing and automatic. Given these behaviors may have taken on a life of their own much of my work will be directed to improving her sense of self.

The client is very motivated! She's fed up with being on the short end of the stick!

Thanks, Walt

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Permalink Reply by Anthony Lucas on July 14, 2011 at 2:25am

@ Walt, you said you're working with a client who offers too much in personal and business relationships. She feels lots of compassion for others, making sure that they're doing well; even to her detriment. She offers her business services well below their worth" - Obviously she's bothered by her actions, which is why she is seeing you for help. Does she de-value herself? I use to do things with good intentions (i.e. from the heart, compassion, etc), then when things didn't go as expected, later would de-value myself, sort of beat myself up. Found out that the behavior was like a symptom or drug, etc. Realized the origin was lack of security that perpetuate low self esteem and my self worth. Changed my beliefs about me - through direct suggestion, thus changing my habit of always retorting back to self devaluation. Not everyone can address these conditions from a conscious point - some need to be regressed for pin point. Other times, hypnosis is not needed, just a honest good old fashion talk with an honest and open minded person, that has reached n conclusion with their delima - therefore open to suggestions.

This is my experience - it worked for me. Providing your client isn't spiritual, you'd need to go at it from a different perspective once the cause is found.

PS: Melina and John's experience is much appreciated and I concur.

Melina - Trust me, I looked for guilt, low self-esteem, insecurity, fear of success, you name it. Didn't find really anything that matched my subconscious reasons not to charge my clients. (similar to my exploration, however I found the cause deep within my subconscious mind)

John - my favorite question: If absolutely anything were possible...what would the best solution be?)

Anthony

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on July 14, 2011 at 3:58am

@ Carol, Melina and Anthony-

I highly recommend reading this discussion: Is it necassary to get to the root of the issue?

http://www.hypnothoughts.com/forum/topics/is-it-necassary-to-get-to...

@ Carol,

What if the core of her inability to say no is to be found in her beliefs and expectations?

@ Melina,

FYI - Unless, I am missing something- I see no menton of digging for the hidden cause in Nath's post?

By the way -- I don't see any evidence of digging for hidden meanings in your experience either - Your mentor told you to stop doing it for free and you did -- Am I missing something? -- What hidden secret was revealed that changed your behavior?

Warmest regards,

Michael E. @ http://www.nycanxietyhypnosis.com

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Permalink Reply by Steve Andrade on July 14, 2011 at 4:11am

Hi Vince C,

Henxy's advice sounded good, but I like the idea about opening it up and tailoring it more to the client's own choices and modalities.

Thanks for the broader view.

Henxy,

I still love you all the same, and that's with my clear glasses on or off. Bunny power rules.

Steve

Vince C said:

Neat trick with the glasses but it's really limiting things to visual and to 3 choices. She'll be imprinted to choose the clear glasses and live life incongruently (with more issues to develop) or she'll reject (because her ideal choice was not there)

Let her choose the parts and name them herself. One part "wants to give" and another part "fed up." She will reveal her own modality/referential system/ time line etc.

Also, don't assume sense of self is an issue. Sure, throw it in as part of a shotgun approach but any work there should be unconscious and indirect since you dont want to introduce any new issues (i.e. questioning her sense of self while she is in parts YIKES!)

Henxy said:

Perspective.

If this lady is giving others advice, why should they listen if she values what and who she is so little?

I devised a quick technique which involves 3 pairs of glasses: '

One pair you’ve been wearing for a long time now: they are dark shades… They make things look darker and bleaker than they actually are… They make you look at all the possible negatives as if they’re fact…

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Permalink Reply by Bill Kennedy on July 14, 2011 at 7:15am

Walt,

I would test your client on the word, "assertive." Watch for any immediate negative reaction. Some people equate assertiveness with aggressiveness. One of my clients had a purchasing agent who was far too nice for the job. She would let suppliers off the hook for late delivery, short shipments, etc. etc. When we talked about it, she said that she knew she should come down harder on them and that it was affecting her job performance, but she was raised to be "nice" and wanted to stay that way. She was worried that if she became "assertive" at work, it would spill over into her personal life.

I got her the book I mentioned above and we talked about how you can be nice AND assertive. You can set expectations up front and then follow up nicely. When I last saw her, she was on the phone giving a supplier the gears for messing up an order, but she was smiling and polite as she told him what he had to do in future to get their next order.

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Permalink Reply by Henxy on July 14, 2011 at 7:23am

Hi Vince,

Most of my IBS peeps are kinaesthetes by preference. I am too... But even these people (including I) tend to 'view' the world, rather than feel it.

I appreciate your modality point though, but I don't think it is necessary in this sort of scenario, and hasn't been an issue with my patients- obviously, I get them to interact about their glasses choice.

Now why would I do any of that creating problems for my clients?! ;-)

Vince C said:

Neat trick with the glasses but it's really limiting things to visual and to 3 choices. She'll be imprinted to choose the clear glasses and live life incongruently (with more issues to develop) or she'll reject (because her ideal choice was not there)

Let her choose the parts and name them herself. One part "wants to give" and another part "fed up." She will reveal her own modality/referential system/ time line etc.

Also, don't assume sense of self is an issue. Sure, throw it in as part of a shotgun approach but any work there should be unconscious and indirect since you dont want to introduce any new issues (i.e. questioning her sense of self while she is in parts YIKES!)

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Permalink Reply by Henxy on July 14, 2011 at 7:24am

Stevie baby.

How could you?! ;-) You must know I'm always right, even when I'm not! xx

P.S. my further comments might help though...

Steve Andrade said:

Hi Vince C,

Henxy's advice sounded good, but I like the idea about opening it up and tailoring it more to the client's own choices and modalities.

Thanks for the broader view.

Henxy,

I still love you all the same, and that's with my clear glasses on or off. Bunny power rules.

Steve

Vince C said:

Neat trick with the glasses but it's really limiting things to visual and to 3 choices. She'll be imprinted to choose the clear glasses and live life incongruently (with more issues to develop) or she'll reject (because her ideal choice was not there)

Let her choose the parts and name them herself. One part "wants to give" and another part "fed up." She will reveal her own modality/referential system/ time line etc.

Also, don't assume sense of self is an issue. Sure, throw it in as part of a shotgun approach but any work there should be unconscious and indirect since you dont want to introduce any new issues (i.e. questioning her sense of self while she is in parts YIKES!)

Henxy said:

Perspective.

If this lady is giving others advice, why should they listen if she values what and who she is so little?

I devised a quick technique which involves 3 pairs of glasses: '

One pair you’ve been wearing for a long time now: they are dark shades… They make things look darker and bleaker than they actually are… They make you look at all the possible negatives as if they’re fact…