help with internet porn addiction/habit

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 17, 2010 at 12:10pm

Oh my, what an interesting discussion I have sparked!
Thanks for the input, Cheryl. Nice to hear from a female on this. I appreciate the book referral. I was going to research some others to recommend to him for both he and his wife to read, mostly/firstly to get her to realize that WOMEN can (and should) enjoy sex as much as men; that is her God-given gift and she should find a way to claim it--not only for the sake of her marriage but also for her own satisfaction and pleasure.
I will check out the book on line and perhaps recommend to him as well.
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on August 17, 2010 at 12:16pm

Lisa, if he is low on funds, they may be able to find it at a used book store.

My personal take on their situation as you described it: There's a blame-game going on. She may be pointing to his porn, he may be the "diagnosed patient", but this tells me she is more likely the bigger problem.

One thing I have found in my studies and in my own life is this: The one doing the loudest squawking and the most finger-pointing is usually the culprit. The "noisy victim" who just wishes the other person would change so they can be happy. Meanwhile, the actual victim is quietly trying harder and harder to please the one who's squawking. It's very backwards, especially as seen from the outside.

Permalink Reply by Licentious Maladay on August 17, 2010 at 12:24pm

Thank you, Lisa and Cheryl. I really appreciate hearing a woman's perspective as well. Cheryl's description reminds me somehow of Monty Python's "Holy Hand Grenade". I am certainly going to keep my senses tuned to "the one who squawks the most."

Lic

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on August 17, 2010 at 12:29pm

Three, Sir! "Three!"
Licentious Maladay said:

Cheryl's description reminds me somehow of Monty Python's "Holy Hand Grenade". I am certainly going to keep my senses tuned to "the one who squawks the most."
Lic

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 17, 2010 at 12:43pm

I know Monty Python, but The Holy Hand Granade" is new to me.

Cheryl Westley said:

Three, Sir! "Three!"
Licentious Maladay said:

Cheryl's description reminds me somehow of Monty Python's "Holy Hand Grenade". I am certainly going to keep my senses tuned to "the one who squawks the most."
Lic

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on August 17, 2010 at 12:47pm

It's in their "Holy Grail" movie, at the cave entrance, when they're dealing with the Killer Rabbit.
:-/ ...thread derail, sorry.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrgLj9lOwk

Lisa Smith said:

I know Monty Python, but The Holy Hand Granade" is new to me. Cheryl Westley said:

Three, Sir! "Three!"
Licentious Maladay said:

Cheryl's description reminds me somehow of Monty Python's "Holy Hand Grenade". I am certainly going to keep my senses tuned to "the one who squawks the most."
Lic

Permalink Reply by Richard Nongard - NLPBoard.com on August 17, 2010 at 12:51pm

Permalink Reply by Licentious Maladay on August 17, 2010 at 12:53pm

For Lisa:

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“ ...And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu... [At this point, the friar is urged by Brother Maynard to "skip a bit, brother"]... And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it." Amen. ”

Arthur then holds up the Holy Hand Grenade and cries out "ONE! TWO! FIVE!" Sir Lancelot corrects him, shouting "Three, sire!". Arthur then yells "THREE!" and hurls the grenade at the killer rabbit. The Grenade soars through the air, accompanied by a short bit of choral music, then bounces once and explodes. The killer rabbit dies in the explosion, and the Knights subsequently enter the cave that it had been guarding.


As to why my mind fastened on that image, I think it's just that some people (both men and women) treat pornography as though it were the work of the devil and requires a holy hand grenade to kill it, rather than seeing it simply as a symptom of an unfulfilled need.

Lic

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on August 17, 2010 at 12:55pm

Amen
Licentious Maladay said:

As to why my mind fastened on that image, I think it's just that some people (both men and women) treat pornography as though it were the work of the devil and requires a holy hand grenade to kill it, rather than seeing it simply as a symptom of an unfulfilled need. Lic

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on August 17, 2010 at 4:18pm

@ Lisa,

A) You seem to be ignoring some excellent advice:
Scott - pointed out that this is a public forum and if some one connects the dots and recognizes the couple or themselves reading your thread - It would probably hit the fan... A simple edit could protect your client's and his wife's privacy and could save you a lot of unnecessary grief or you can continue to ignore Scott's suggestion?

B) My two cents:
1) I do not recommend contacting or discussing this client's case with his wife without written permission to do so.
2) It is not necessary to fix this client's sex life or marriage in order to help him find a way to release his sexual tensions without triggering an inner-conflict.
3) As the issue is resolving an inner-conflict - I recommend considering using a parts-like or an Ellner/Barsky detox with the understanding that although he may be using his "addiction" to negotiate a better sex life with his wife, at this point in time, your client is seeking an alternative release mechanism that he can feel good about. I recommend focusing on that...

@ LM
In order to give you the benefit of your experience and expertise and fully evaluate your input in this discussion, it would help to know the basis for your opinion? Please note I am not attacking- I am just asking: Are you replying as a recovering porn addict? Perhaps you are replying as a chronic masturbator? Again, I am just trying to understand your perspective on this issue.

You wrote:
>>Unless the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, nobody who has a loving, willing, available partner turns to pornography. If the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, then go ahead and treat the individual and let the wife know that she was not the cause.

Nobody? How can you be so sure? FYI- Contacting the wife without the client's written consent would not be a very good idea, in my opinion.

You wrote:
>>But let's say that the porn use was born of frustration with the marriage and the husband projects at least some of his feelings on his wife. I still think that he needs to be treated separately, just because of the transformation that happens when someone who has been masturbating daily stops for a month. Life suddenly looks better. His wife looks better. His overall level of energy improves. He is a much more caring individual. It's like the control panel resets to the default setting. Surgically enhanced women, and all of the associated fantasies, suddenly do not have the same appeal. (For those medically inclined, frequent masturbation leads to a decline in dopamine receptors in the brain, which leads to a loss of desire and the need for higher levels of stimulation to achieve orgasm.)

Our beliefs and expectations can be and often are a punishment in and of themselves and I'd simply let the the above paragraph go, had you added "in my opinion," but you stated your opinion, as if your opinion is a fact... Do you have additional citations or references to support your opinion? It seems to me that one can enjoy a very healthy sex life and masturbate- they are not mutually exclusive as you seem to believe.

Michael E.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 17, 2010 at 7:09pm

I see we have taken a side note. I DO know this scene but forgot about the hand granade--I thought you were referencing something about masturbation since that was among the thread discussion. I guess "and now for something completely different" applies here.

Cheryl Westley said:

Amen
Licentious Maladay said:

As to why my mind fastened on that image, I think it's just that some people (both men and women) treat pornography as though it were the work of the devil and requires a holy hand grenade to kill it, rather than seeing it simply as a symptom of an unfulfilled need. Lic

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 17, 2010 at 7:23pm

Thanks for your input, Michael.
1) I do not feel there is enough personal information included to threaten the privacy of this client, and the info. provided gives insight into this person's background and character. I work with people across the country, so the pool of possible "suspects" for people to connect the dots to is like a drop in the ocean, as is the likelihood of anyone knowing a couple that could fit all the parameters of this description (including the wife) coming across this forum.
2) I would never contact the wife in this matter; it is the job of the husband to supply information (or not) as to our work together and any suggestions I might give him for communicating his needs and concerns to his wife. He is telling her he is seeing someone to help him with his porn habit, yet the client-therapist confidentiality still exists here.


Michael Ellner said:

@ Lisa,

A) You seem to be ignoring some excellent advice:
Scott - pointed out that this is a public forum and if some one connects the dots and recognizes the couple or themselves reading your thread - It would probably hit the fan... A simple edit could protect your client's and his wife's privacy and could save you a lot of unnecessary grief or you can continue to ignore Scott's suggestion?

B) My two cents:
1) I do not recommend contacting or discussing this client's case with his wife without written permission to do so.
2) It is not necessary to fix this client's sex life or marriage in order to help him find a way to release his sexual tensions without triggering an inner-conflict.
3) As the issue is resolving an inner-conflict - I recommend considering using a parts-like or an Ellner/Barsky detox with the understanding that although he may be using his "addiction" to negotiate a better sex life with his wife, at this point in time, your client is seeking an alternative release mechanism that he can feel good about. I recommend focusing on that...

@ LM
In order to give you the benefit of your experience and expertise and fully evaluate your input in this discussion, it would help to know the basis for your opinion? Please note I am not attacking- I am just asking: Are you replying as a recovering porn addict? Perhaps you are replying as a chronic masturbator? Again, I am just trying to understand your perspective on this issue.

You wrote:
>>Unless the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, nobody who has a loving, willing, available partner turns to pornography. If the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, then go ahead and treat the individual and let the wife know that she was not the cause.

Nobody? How can you be so sure? FYI- Contacting the wife without the client's written consent would not be a very good idea, in my opinion.

You wrote:
>>But let's say that the porn use was born of frustration with the marriage and the husband projects at least some of his feelings on his wife. I still think that he needs to be treated separately, just because of the transformation that happens when someone who has been masturbating daily stops for a month. Life suddenly looks better. His wife looks better. His overall level of energy improves. He is a much more caring individual. It's like the control panel resets to the default setting. Surgically enhanced women, and all of the associated fantasies, suddenly do not have the same appeal. (For those medically inclined, frequent masturbation leads to a decline in dopamine receptors in the brain, which leads to a loss of desire and the need for higher levels of stimulation to achieve orgasm.)

Our beliefs and expectations can be and often are a punishment in and of themselves and I'd simply let the the above paragraph go, had you added "in my opinion," but you stated your opinion, as if your opinion is a fact... Do you have additional citations or references to support your opinion? It seems to me that one can enjoy a very healthy sex life and masturbate- they are not mutually exclusive as you seem to believe.

Michael E.

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