help with internet porn addiction/habit

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Richard Nongard - NLPBoard.com on August 17, 2010 at 12:51pm

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on August 17, 2010 at 12:55pm

Amen
Licentious Maladay said:

As to why my mind fastened on that image, I think it's just that some people (both men and women) treat pornography as though it were the work of the devil and requires a holy hand grenade to kill it, rather than seeing it simply as a symptom of an unfulfilled need. Lic

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on August 17, 2010 at 4:18pm

@ Lisa,

A) You seem to be ignoring some excellent advice:
Scott - pointed out that this is a public forum and if some one connects the dots and recognizes the couple or themselves reading your thread - It would probably hit the fan... A simple edit could protect your client's and his wife's privacy and could save you a lot of unnecessary grief or you can continue to ignore Scott's suggestion?

B) My two cents:
1) I do not recommend contacting or discussing this client's case with his wife without written permission to do so.
2) It is not necessary to fix this client's sex life or marriage in order to help him find a way to release his sexual tensions without triggering an inner-conflict.
3) As the issue is resolving an inner-conflict - I recommend considering using a parts-like or an Ellner/Barsky detox with the understanding that although he may be using his "addiction" to negotiate a better sex life with his wife, at this point in time, your client is seeking an alternative release mechanism that he can feel good about. I recommend focusing on that...

@ LM
In order to give you the benefit of your experience and expertise and fully evaluate your input in this discussion, it would help to know the basis for your opinion? Please note I am not attacking- I am just asking: Are you replying as a recovering porn addict? Perhaps you are replying as a chronic masturbator? Again, I am just trying to understand your perspective on this issue.

You wrote:
>>Unless the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, nobody who has a loving, willing, available partner turns to pornography. If the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, then go ahead and treat the individual and let the wife know that she was not the cause.

Nobody? How can you be so sure? FYI- Contacting the wife without the client's written consent would not be a very good idea, in my opinion.

You wrote:
>>But let's say that the porn use was born of frustration with the marriage and the husband projects at least some of his feelings on his wife. I still think that he needs to be treated separately, just because of the transformation that happens when someone who has been masturbating daily stops for a month. Life suddenly looks better. His wife looks better. His overall level of energy improves. He is a much more caring individual. It's like the control panel resets to the default setting. Surgically enhanced women, and all of the associated fantasies, suddenly do not have the same appeal. (For those medically inclined, frequent masturbation leads to a decline in dopamine receptors in the brain, which leads to a loss of desire and the need for higher levels of stimulation to achieve orgasm.)

Our beliefs and expectations can be and often are a punishment in and of themselves and I'd simply let the the above paragraph go, had you added "in my opinion," but you stated your opinion, as if your opinion is a fact... Do you have additional citations or references to support your opinion? It seems to me that one can enjoy a very healthy sex life and masturbate- they are not mutually exclusive as you seem to believe.

Michael E.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 17, 2010 at 7:09pm

I see we have taken a side note. I DO know this scene but forgot about the hand granade--I thought you were referencing something about masturbation since that was among the thread discussion. I guess "and now for something completely different" applies here.

Cheryl Westley said:

Amen
Licentious Maladay said:

As to why my mind fastened on that image, I think it's just that some people (both men and women) treat pornography as though it were the work of the devil and requires a holy hand grenade to kill it, rather than seeing it simply as a symptom of an unfulfilled need. Lic

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 17, 2010 at 7:23pm

Thanks for your input, Michael.
1) I do not feel there is enough personal information included to threaten the privacy of this client, and the info. provided gives insight into this person's background and character. I work with people across the country, so the pool of possible "suspects" for people to connect the dots to is like a drop in the ocean, as is the likelihood of anyone knowing a couple that could fit all the parameters of this description (including the wife) coming across this forum.
2) I would never contact the wife in this matter; it is the job of the husband to supply information (or not) as to our work together and any suggestions I might give him for communicating his needs and concerns to his wife. He is telling her he is seeing someone to help him with his porn habit, yet the client-therapist confidentiality still exists here.


Michael Ellner said:

@ Lisa,

A) You seem to be ignoring some excellent advice:
Scott - pointed out that this is a public forum and if some one connects the dots and recognizes the couple or themselves reading your thread - It would probably hit the fan... A simple edit could protect your client's and his wife's privacy and could save you a lot of unnecessary grief or you can continue to ignore Scott's suggestion?

B) My two cents:
1) I do not recommend contacting or discussing this client's case with his wife without written permission to do so.
2) It is not necessary to fix this client's sex life or marriage in order to help him find a way to release his sexual tensions without triggering an inner-conflict.
3) As the issue is resolving an inner-conflict - I recommend considering using a parts-like or an Ellner/Barsky detox with the understanding that although he may be using his "addiction" to negotiate a better sex life with his wife, at this point in time, your client is seeking an alternative release mechanism that he can feel good about. I recommend focusing on that...

@ LM
In order to give you the benefit of your experience and expertise and fully evaluate your input in this discussion, it would help to know the basis for your opinion? Please note I am not attacking- I am just asking: Are you replying as a recovering porn addict? Perhaps you are replying as a chronic masturbator? Again, I am just trying to understand your perspective on this issue.

You wrote:
>>Unless the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, nobody who has a loving, willing, available partner turns to pornography. If the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, then go ahead and treat the individual and let the wife know that she was not the cause.

Nobody? How can you be so sure? FYI- Contacting the wife without the client's written consent would not be a very good idea, in my opinion.

You wrote:
>>But let's say that the porn use was born of frustration with the marriage and the husband projects at least some of his feelings on his wife. I still think that he needs to be treated separately, just because of the transformation that happens when someone who has been masturbating daily stops for a month. Life suddenly looks better. His wife looks better. His overall level of energy improves. He is a much more caring individual. It's like the control panel resets to the default setting. Surgically enhanced women, and all of the associated fantasies, suddenly do not have the same appeal. (For those medically inclined, frequent masturbation leads to a decline in dopamine receptors in the brain, which leads to a loss of desire and the need for higher levels of stimulation to achieve orgasm.)

Our beliefs and expectations can be and often are a punishment in and of themselves and I'd simply let the the above paragraph go, had you added "in my opinion," but you stated your opinion, as if your opinion is a fact... Do you have additional citations or references to support your opinion? It seems to me that one can enjoy a very healthy sex life and masturbate- they are not mutually exclusive as you seem to believe.

Michael E.

Permalink Reply by Richard Nongard - NLPBoard.com on August 18, 2010 at 4:36am

The greater risk is not in someone seeing them and identifying them, but rather THEM seeing this post and recognizing themselves, and then going into full on freaking out mode, beliving (but probaly wrongly) that someone else will identify them. google is your frenemie, and a search for "lisa smith" hypnosis yields the hypnothoughts posts at #5 http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=hp&q=%22lisa+smith%22+h...
Again, it is not likley someone willl recognize themselves, but I would google my hypnotist if i were seeing one, and surely read thier posts....

Lisa Smith said:

Thanks for your input, Michael.
1) I do not feel there is enough personal information included to threaten the privacy of this client, and the info. provided gives insight into this person's background and character. I work with people across the country, so the pool of possible "suspects" for people to connect the dots to is like a drop in the ocean, as is the likelihood of anyone knowing a couple that could fit all the parameters of this description (including the wife) coming across this forum.
2) I would never contact the wife in this matter; it is the job of the husband to supply information (or not) as to our work together and any suggestions I might give him for communicating his needs and concerns to his wife. He is telling her he is seeing someone to help him with his porn habit, yet the client-therapist confidentiality still exists here.


Michael Ellner said:

@ Lisa,

A) You seem to be ignoring some excellent advice:
Scott - pointed out that this is a public forum and if some one connects the dots and recognizes the couple or themselves reading your thread - It would probably hit the fan... A simple edit could protect your client's and his wife's privacy and could save you a lot of unnecessary grief or you can continue to ignore Scott's suggestion?

B) My two cents:
1) I do not recommend contacting or discussing this client's case with his wife without written permission to do so.
2) It is not necessary to fix this client's sex life or marriage in order to help him find a way to release his sexual tensions without triggering an inner-conflict.
3) As the issue is resolving an inner-conflict - I recommend considering using a parts-like or an Ellner/Barsky detox with the understanding that although he may be using his "addiction" to negotiate a better sex life with his wife, at this point in time, your client is seeking an alternative release mechanism that he can feel good about. I recommend focusing on that...

@ LM
In order to give you the benefit of your experience and expertise and fully evaluate your input in this discussion, it would help to know the basis for your opinion? Please note I am not attacking- I am just asking: Are you replying as a recovering porn addict? Perhaps you are replying as a chronic masturbator? Again, I am just trying to understand your perspective on this issue.

You wrote:
>>Unless the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, nobody who has a loving, willing, available partner turns to pornography. If the porn usage pre-dates the marriage, then go ahead and treat the individual and let the wife know that she was not the cause.

Nobody? How can you be so sure? FYI- Contacting the wife without the client's written consent would not be a very good idea, in my opinion.

You wrote:
>>But let's say that the porn use was born of frustration with the marriage and the husband projects at least some of his feelings on his wife. I still think that he needs to be treated separately, just because of the transformation that happens when someone who has been masturbating daily stops for a month. Life suddenly looks better. His wife looks better. His overall level of energy improves. He is a much more caring individual. It's like the control panel resets to the default setting. Surgically enhanced women, and all of the associated fantasies, suddenly do not have the same appeal. (For those medically inclined, frequent masturbation leads to a decline in dopamine receptors in the brain, which leads to a loss of desire and the need for higher levels of stimulation to achieve orgasm.)

Our beliefs and expectations can be and often are a punishment in and of themselves and I'd simply let the the above paragraph go, had you added "in my opinion," but you stated your opinion, as if your opinion is a fact... Do you have additional citations or references to support your opinion? It seems to me that one can enjoy a very healthy sex life and masturbate- they are not mutually exclusive as you seem to believe.

Michael E.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Conkle on August 18, 2010 at 5:03am

Scott,

Is there a way we could make this discussion forum private? Open only to members of Hypnothoughts? I know when I was describing my case on here I was having to be overly cautious with my wording, to the extent that some information had to be omitted...and so the advice I was getting back was a bit inaccurate or confusing. It would be helpful to be able to talk more openly. Just my 2 cents.


Scott Sandland, C.Ht. said:

Lisa-

I recommend removing the information about your client's work/studies. This is a public forum and those specifics probably won't change people's input too dramatically.

Hope you find specific answers to this,
Scott

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Conkle on August 18, 2010 at 5:47am

Lisa,

With due respect to my fellow hypnotists, I'm going to give you a different answer. If he says he's addicted to porn, I would believe him. He probably has a firm belief that porn is wrong and that he should not be engaged in it all. It's not for us to judge our client's moral values. If he watches porn twice a week and feels bad about it, then he should be given help to do away with it as you have suggested. Especially if it's causing unnecessary marital strife.

I agree. This sounds like the cause is directly linked to his wife. If she is experiencing frigidity, she may have had some unpleasant sexual episode(s), or sexual abuse, happen to her before she got married. (He may have no clue!) If you could get him to convince her to come see you in a private session, you could do age regression with her and figure out the cause of her frigidity. (He must be out of the room while you do this, or you will not get the truth!) And it doesn't have it be sexual abuse that is the cause. It could be any number of things, including hormone imbalance or the fear of having more children. If this sounds outside the scope of your particular practice, I would refer them to a marriage counselor while you work on re-patterning the husband's porn addiction.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on August 18, 2010 at 7:17am

I wholeheartedly agree with Scott and Richard here -- do not underestimate the client's response if they 'see themselves'. It could ruin rapport with them in a big way and possibly even hurt your business if they freak out loud enough.

Richard Nongard - NLPBoard.com said:

The greater risk is not in someone seeing them and identifying them, but rather THEM seeing this post and recognizing themselves, and then going into full on freaking out mode, beliving (but probaly wrongly) that someone else will identify them. google is your frenemie, and a search for "lisa smith" hypnosis yields the hypnothoughts posts at #5 http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=hp&q=%22lisa+smith%22+h...Again, it is not likley someone willl recognize themselves, but I would google my hypnotist if i were seeing one, and surely read thier posts....

Permalink Reply by tony cott on August 18, 2010 at 7:42am

I have watched this thread go in many directions, and have not said a word, but it has become clear that I must.

Know one has addressed the issue of who this man is, to understand the mind set of a minister , I have worked for many years in the area of counseling ministers, you see his confusion has nothing to do with sex, his marriage or anything else of this mind set.

When one becomes an agent of God, he or she hears a voice, that’s why it’s called a “calling”, I have told many that they should not pursue the vocation of the Church because they are doing it “to help the world”; this is a good reason to help the Church but not a good reason to Lead the Church.

His actions shows a disconnect with the “Voice” of the calling, it is often said that those of the Clergy are just normal men (women), this is a great untruth, in many ways these agents are not like most, yes they struggle at times with questions of faith, but not in the way that you may think.

I have used the art of Hypnotics to help reconnect those who find themselves in this position, yet I must tell you that someone who does not have an understanding of this mind set will find it very hard to do.

A marriage within the context of the Clergy is not the same as others, the union is not just between a man and a women, but between three, man / women / and the Church. Please tell this young man to seek counsel within the school he may be going to, all of these schools, have people trained in helping those who have lost their way upon this path.

There will be many who disagree with these words that I have put here, and that’s ok, but this is an issue that takes more than just our human point of view.

With respect to you, and our Profession, there are times in which our thinking over reaches situations.

Tony

Permalink Reply by Lisa Smith on August 18, 2010 at 10:01am

Here's an update after having my first session with this client:
1) the client is aware that I have posted request for help from my fellow colleagues on line and the info. provided, so it is now a moot point in that regard; he said his wife is happy that he is taking this course and interested in doing hypnosis herself.
2) a lot of the info. i posted, based on the brief history i took during the consultation, is different from what i learned today during the more extensive history-taking, so there are certain facts here that, although still relevant to a good discussion about this subject amongst us on the forum, would not make them recognizable.
3) i have come to learn that the man is NOT studying to be a minister; he is studying for something else and is simply a department director in the church.
4) the history received today revealed some differing angles and insight into this fellow's situation, which would take this perhaps in another direction that would be great to also discuss; however, since several of you feel concerned that this is too public a forum for such a detailed discussion, i will end the discussion here.
It's a shame that this forum is really not a helpful tool for therapists to discuss case studies with the details necessary (upholding ethical guidelines of anonymity) to get accurate input from colleagues for "fear" of the very rare possibility of a client recognizing themselves in an online discussion and getting upset about a professional discourse going on about them.
5) as far as the focus of today's session, i used EFT with him to decrease or eliminate the urge to view porn and used Resource Organizer process in trance to change the submodalities of the porn so it is less likely to cause arousal. i had him replace it with an image of his wife using submodalities that would enhance his ability to think of her and be aroused, either alone or with her, as a replacement for needing the porn to be aroused. he is free to "dress her up" as he sees fit in his mind to create a positive fantasy image of his wife as his arousal mechanism.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply to this discussion. I'll be closing it out now. If you want to continue it in some way with a new discussion thread, feel free to do so.
Professionally yours,
Lisa

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