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Letting loose of a past lover...
I have a client who had an affair with a woman while he was married. The woman ended the relationship and my client claims that he would like to forget about her but can't seem to erase her from his mind. He is asking me to help him to quit thinking of her. He has visited a psychologist who has suggested that instead of dwelling on her good aspects...to dwell on what was bad about her. Any suggestions nor ideas for this case?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kelley Woods on -
Well, thank goodness he came to you instead!
Bill, I have helped people move past relationships that have, for one reason or another, run their course yet still sting. I use a chair therapy, allowing the client to express all of the pent up thoughts and emotions for and regarding the other person. Once this process is complete, I have him imagine the bonds, in ribbons, strings, ties, chains, etc., between the two of them and allow him to sever them. He can choose if he wishes to keep some of the good memories or not. He can cut all of the bonds to the other person. He then releases the person...to float away, to leave on the wing of a bird, etc.
This protocol formally finalizes the breakup while providing opportunity to process emotional tension, a great combination!
I would also provide ego strengthening work, taking care to deal with any guilt he may be holding.
Hope this gives some ideas!
Kelley
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Permalink Reply by Richard Nongard - NLPBoard.com on -
Thank-god for psychologists. Seriosly Kelly has a really good idea. And we have one more reason why to not refer to psychologists. When I'm not on my iPhone I'll give some additional input
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Permalink Reply by Kevin Cole-NLPTrainingQuest.com on -
Good advice from Kelley...
In addition to it, I also have my clients go through a process called seeing yourself through the eyes of love. Their feeling an emptiness, and this will fill that void. Here's the "Readers Digest version" of it...
*Think of someone that they know loves them, preferably unconditionally (other than the person who their no longer in a relationship with).
*Have them imagine that person in front of them
*Have them imagine stepping outside of their self and into this person, so that they see their self through the eyes of this person.
*Then have them imagine a few very pleasant memories they shared with this person and continue to have them experience these memories through the other persons eyes/perception.
*Then as they are feeling wonderful, gently create an anchor on their shoulder.
*Ask them to "take all of these wonderful feelings (place your hand on their shoulder again as you say it) and float back into yourself, holding on to all of these wonderful feeling that have been, are, and always will be inside of you".
*Next, have them imagine the same person in front of them and say to them (either out loud or to themself), "I love you, Thank You, and If and only if you feel the desire or need, I forgive you". Then I usually have them repeat it.
*Next, I ask them to imagine a mirror directly in front of them and have them repeat the same thing.
If you take your time with this and do this right, and include the cutting off of energetic ties that Kelly mentioned (as a completely separate process), it's one of the most profound gifts you can give your client... I also include teaching them some basic EFT so that they have a tool they can use anytime/anywhere...
Some quick additional tips include having them erase the other person from their cell, erase emails etc. You can help them sever those ties, but if they keep in contact with that person, those ties will end up re-connected...
You're pretty much guaranteed to come across this same issues with other clients and... It's not a bad thing to remember for yourself as well. I still use all of the above on myself...
Best of Luck,
Kevin
Live NLP, Life Coach & Hypnosis Training
Kelley Woods said:Well, thank goodness he came to you instead!
Bill, I have helped people move past relationships that have, for one reason or another, run their course yet still sting. I use a chair therapy, allowing the client to express all of the pent up thoughts and emotions for and regarding the other person. Once this process is complete, I have him imagine the bonds, in ribbons, strings, ties, chains, etc., between the two of them and allow him to sever them. He can choose if he wishes to keep some of the good memories or not. He can cut all of the bonds to the other person. He then releases the person...to float away, to leave on the wing of a bird, etc.
This protocol formally finalizes the breakup while providing opportunity to process emotional tension, a great combination!
I would also provide ego strengthening work, taking care to deal with any guilt he may be holding.
Hope this gives some ideas!
Kelley
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Permalink Reply by John Cleesattel on -
A swish pattern would work nicely also.
John
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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on -
Fire the psychologist! -- I wonder what diagnosis the psychologist used to bill for this visit--
Good advice from Kelley, Kevin and John-- Looking foward to more from Richard
Michael E.
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Permalink Reply by Antoine Pruyssers on -
Tell him to quit cheating on his wife!
Guilt is a nasty and creative sensation.
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl Westley on -
I agree with John about the swish pattern. EFT also works well. There are likely very OLD triggers (older than their relationship) associated with his inability to "just forget her" and once those are dealt-with/swished/tapped-away, her memory will have lost its hold (the memory will become a mere 'fact' without the emotional load). I recently had tremendous success with a friend who was trying to shake the feelings for an old love from many years ago -- we EFT tapped on it until the memory held no emotional charge (six or seven rounds - less than an hour). During EFT tapping, amazing insights also come along. It's great!
The cool thing about tapping is -- you don't even have to believe it; it still works.
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Permalink Reply by James Hazlerig - HypnosisAustin on -
My process is similar to Kelley's. I sometimes also ask the client to metaphorically gather up all the "baggage" left behind and give it to the ex.
James
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