New stressed father.

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Permalink Reply by Bill Kennedy on November 6, 2011 at 2:19am

Before any therapy, I would check in with him about the big 3:  healthy eating, sufficient exercise and getting enough sleep.  The lack of any of those will cause the situation you described.  He may need some creative strategies to get them, e.g. if there's no time for exercising alone, then build the exercise into "child time," e.g. not just sitting on a bench when he takes his child to the park, or doing exercises while (s)he is plugged into the TV.

 

What I would stress to him is that what he is going through is perfectly normal.  Maybe there are some moms and dads who go through parenthood placidly and peacefully, but I have yet to meet them.  Check in with him (consciously and subconsciously) about his expectations for himself.  He may be setting the bar too high.  

 

Speaking as a dad, a key coping strategy is the tag team.  When one person is reaching the boiling point, the other steps in.  So, if one spouse is washing up and the other is losing it with a child who won't go to sleep, they switch.  Good communications and a fair allocation of duties between them is key.  

 

He also needs to allow himself some time off.  His situation (and that of his wife) may not allow a lot of time.  She may not be around to back him up when he loses his temper.  Hypnotically, you could work with him to make the most of whatever brief moments of rest he gets, so that he can park his troubles on the floor by his bed at night and get to sleep quickly and easily.  You could give him a self-hypnosis trigger so that he can meditate for a minute or two whenever he has a chance.

 

Finally, something a midwife told me.  She had just been through a breathing exercise with a room full of mothers-to-be and we were in break.  I asked her how breathing could possibly make any difference in the birth process.  She said that it really doesn't make any difference.  The baby will come anyway.  But, the key difference between a "good" birth and a "bad" birth is how the person experiences it.  If the process seems huge and uncontrollable, they can panic, which causes health and emotional issues for both child and parent.  Breathing is something you can control, as you face all the things parenthood throws at you.  You learn to control what you can control and ride through those things out of your control.  So, take a deep, slow breath and carry on!

 

Bill

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Permalink Reply by James Malone on November 6, 2011 at 5:05am

Alfredo, one way you can help this man is by teaching him how to go into a deeply relaxed state several times a day so his stress levels don't reach the boiling point.

Having been in the same situation not that long ago with two little ones in diapers, I can relate fully, his "me time" is going to be a lot less for awhile and this takes some adjustment.

Awhile back Kelly Woods shared an excellent time distortion technique that may be helpful in this case as it can teach him how to more fully savor the relaxing moments he does have.

http://www.hypnothoughts.com/forum/topics/time-distortion-for-life-enh...

Good luck!

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Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on November 6, 2011 at 6:15am

Hi,

 

Excellent advice by Bill and James.

I might suggest that I am confident that I can help him, but I need his wife's help and request a session for both of them... I'd create rapport and model Dr Garner's "Confrontative" approach by making a statement like: The reason that I asked to speak to both of you is that research shows that a pleasurable and satisfying sex life is the best medicine for reducing stress and invigorating a marriage. Please tell me what you think and how you feel about my statement. In my experience 10 out of 10 couples in this situation will report that their sex drives and lives have been out of whack since the children were born. 

I remind them that "Sex" is good exercise, promotes flooding their their minds and bodies with nourishing  feel good chemicals and lubricates their stress regulating machinery - I then teach them self-hypnosis and mindfulness exercises with the suggestion that practicing intentional relaxation for 3 to 5 minutes, several times a day on a daily basis will quickly help them feel more energetic, more sexual and they will be more effective at work, home and play which will help them find time for sexually nourishing each other...Blah, blah, blah... 

Michael E.

 

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Permalink Reply by Alfredo Velasquez CHt. on November 6, 2011 at 8:10am

Thanks Bill, James and Michael for your help.

Like you said  "my time" is over for some years when you have kids.

By my own experience, I think I'll suggest him to involve the kids in some activities he enjoy, so, he'll became more "my friend" and less "my Dad". By instance, while I'm typing this, I have conected the speakers to the computer and at this exactly moment my 4 years old is singing loud in the mic (yeap, in my ear).

In the past I bought some sign language dvd's for kids, so, while we learn together, I keep more control on them, and instead of chase them all around the house, we share an activity.

Thanks again.

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Permalink Reply by Janna Koenig on November 6, 2011 at 5:15pm

Hi Alfredo,

My first thought is How consistant is his parenting?  When we are stressed and feeling overwhelmed we sometime try to avoid dealing with issues until they get so bad we can't avoid them.  By then we've used all our calm up and loss our tempers.

If he feels frustrated because things (their behaviors) aren't within his control, his kids might be feeling the same way.  I say this because I have a grandson who throws huge fits with everyone in the family except me.  The reason he doesn't with me is because I see it coming and we stop to talk though his options.  Options I can live with, of course.  He picks what sounds best to him and melt down is avoided.  As they say...Apples don't fall far from their trees.  His big sister thinks I'm a genius.  I'm not I raised his father and he's just like his dad.

I would prompt him to talk through were the melting points for the kids are and what leads up to it.   At the beginning if he had seen it could he have given the kids choices that he could live with and empower himself and the kids.  If that works for him, I would do work with him to be on the look out for solution management in place of crisis management. 

I wish you the best and your cleint the best,

Janna 

 

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Permalink Reply by Donna Carter on November 6, 2011 at 9:01pm

I have only posted a few posts since I have been back and already I'm posting some of my favorite advice (you will notice I will probably repeat myself through out the years...I can't help it. This kind of good advice...rarely changes...)

 

He would be wise to brush up on a little bit of 'Operant conditioning'. 

"Anything that is reinforced...is likely to occur again"  

If he/you/together can reframe how he looks at bad behavior...actually 'hoping' for behavior (bad/good/neutral)...and having the tools to react correctly - a set of tools (how to react to bad behavior and good behavior) and a good reframe changes how one looks at their children.

Also, by knowing the simple rule "Anything that is reinforced...is likely to occur again"  has one looking at our own parenting behavior and helps us to KNOW...if we see bad behavior...we must ask ourselves, "what is reinforcing it? How are WE reinforcing it?" By asking oneself this question and checking our own behavior we can troubleshoot the issue and possibly STOP reinforcing the behavior. Any time one stops reinforcing behavior...the behavior becomes extinct.  Well...first it get's worse and then becomes extinct... ~grin.

Example: If a person works on the second floor and pushes two every day, in the elevator...one day when they come in and push two, if the elevator doesn't work...what will they do? They will 'push, push, push' the button (the behavior get's worse) but then...they realize...it no longer works...and they find new behavior. 

:)

It's brilliance. All parents should brush up on it (IMHO).

Cheers.

D.

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Permalink Reply by Alfredo Velasquez CHt. on November 9, 2011 at 5:45am

Thanks guys for your advice.

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