What to do when your client goes into regression but doesn't want to reframe...

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Permalink Reply by Oz Merchant on August 19, 2009 at 10:21am

Hi Alicia,

Is there any reason to make anger the enemy? The anger is most likely a good feeling and in a sense it "works". Invalidating the anger means you're invalidating a good feeling. How likely is someone going to be to give up a good feeling?

Work around the resistance. How angry can she get? Enough to get some results? Maybe she needs help with getting angry enough or expressing anger more effectively. Is she willing to harness the power of anger rather than let go of it? Anger is another emotional tool. It can be used quite effectively to manipulate others. People use it all the time to get things their way.

How much rapport can you build with the parts of her that are angry this way versus trying to get rid of them? What's that old saying: "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar".

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Permalink Reply by Alicia Fairclough on August 19, 2009 at 5:49pm

The client came to me because she wants to get to the root of her anger and she wants to change that behavior. She is angry all the time at just about everything. She has no tolerance for others, is not accepting of others, is easily agitated and aggressive.

As far as the answers go... She wants answers from her parents (particularly her father) about lots of things but mainly why they raised her the way they did, why they were angry, hurtful and demanding.

Talking to her about her 'purpose' seems to have had an impact in terms of what we were discussing before - the purpose being to heal her not to excuse the behavior of others.

Thank you again for all the suggestions :-)

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Permalink Reply by Oz Merchant on August 20, 2009 at 3:00am

Thanks for the clarification Alicia. In that case, fleshing out all her expectations of others (the ones she has no tolerance for), expectations she has of her parents, expectations she has on parenting both "good" and "bad" parenting, expectations she has on what kids should experience as they grow up "happy childhood" vs "terrible childhood", these will all get to the root of the problem, which is broken expectations which leads to anger. By cleaning up the expectations, the anger disappears.

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on August 20, 2009 at 6:47am

Really good points, Kathleen and thank you for sharing your own experience. I, personally, find them invaluable because they add the suffers inner perspective and experience in a way that the observer can't.

Your words triggered something else that I thought would be good to mention. I believe that often, when people have been harmed or wronged, they develop a feeling or belief that if they give up their anger, they will get "duped" again or hurt again. I believe that frequently when we are angry, there is an element of feeling safer while angry. I've found it really, really helpful to probe that idea and make certain that the client (or self) are not hanging on to self-destructive emotions as protection. It's not unlike a fat person getting fat to keep themselves safe from opposite sex attraction.

I'll end my post with this fabulous quote that I read in the world's best book on smoking cessation, "Hypnosis for Smoking Cessation," David Botsford.

"Every problem was once a solution." Smoking was once a solution for wanting to be "part of the cool crowd." Overeating can be a solution to avoiding unwanted feelings. Anxiety can be a solution in that it can make us feel safe in an unsafe world. I find myself using this wonderful phrase all the time now.

Susan
www.hypno4success.com

Kathleen Hanover said:

I used to have enormous problems with the concept of forgiveness, because it did seem to let "the perp" off the hook somehow. I thought that by forgiving someone, I was saying that what he did to me was okay or somehow acceptable. Almost like forgiveness equalled approval, or meant I condoned the things he had done to me.
So not forgiving "the perp" was really, really important to me. I thought I had to stay enraged or it meant I was okay with what happened.
The one think that turned it around for me was something I heard or read somewhere. It was so funny and absurd at the same time, that it really snapped things into focus for me.

I had suffered from all the rage-related illnesses (insomnia, heartburn, headaches, etc.) so carrying that crap around was destroying me from the inside out. Then I heard the magic phrase, "being angry at someone is like your drinking poison, and hoping they will die."

Forgiveness has zero to do with the other person. It is 100% about her and the quality of her life. Allowing anger to control her is allowing the dead past to reach into the present and steal it from her. She totally deserves better than that for herself. She is worthy of forgiveness for not being able to forgive. :)

It's very possible her suffering comes from the difference between reality and what she thinks reality should be. (She can fight reality all she wants, but it will win 100% of the time.) It is her thoughts about what shouldn't have happened (but what did happen) that cause her to suffer, not what happened.

I love, love, love The Work of Byron Katie. It's a very simple, easy, and transformative process of inquiry that helps people examine the thoughts that make them suffer, and quickly (and easily) release them. It was instrumental in helping me forgive and move on from a bad period in my life. And everything you need to do The Work is right there on her website, totally free.

Here's a great video of Byron Katie doing The Work with a woman who's upset at her.... (This is even funnier if you read about The Work first so you know what's going on.)

Hope this helps.

Kathleen
Client, HypnoFan, Hypnotic Marketer
@KathleenHanover on Twitter

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Permalink Reply by Alicia Fairclough on August 31, 2009 at 11:28am

I just wanted everyone to know that I truly appreciate all of the wonderful advice. It has certainly come in handy and my client is doing extremely well.

Cheers
Alicia

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