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Tactics of Abuse - emotional abuse
There are some well-defined tactics that the emotional abuser will apply to their victims that will inevitably cause a breakdown of one's self worth and an increasing dependency on the abuser. Having been through some of them, myself, as a victim, I can give you some insights into their applications. They start slowly, often as a "helping" act, like taking over the handling of family finances because "you work too hard" or because "you need to focus on your career."
By taking control of the finances, the abuser now has a very great degree of control, without the victim even being aware of it, in many cases. The victim now has to ASK for money to do ANYTHING. Asking slowly moves into repeatedly asking, then to the abuser "taking care of" the purchases for the victim and then, eventually, to begging for even simple things like gas to go to work and lunch money.
Isolation from the victim's support system is also a key move of an abuser. By isolating the victim from their emotional support system (friends, family, hobby groups, associations, etc.), the victim becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser for their emotional support - their positive stroke economy becomes increasingly controlled by their abuser, just as their financial economy has become.
Isolation can take many forms - actually physically moving the family to a remote location (BIG warning flag, folks!), isolation by simply cutting ties with friends and social groups and even by acts which alienate these groups, initiated by the abuser, but which often redound on the victim (setting the victim up as a patsy).
Personality degradation. This often starts with the use of "pet names" which can sound initially "cute" but have a demeaning undertone, such as "pet," "my babydoll," or even gibberish names, like "woogums."
Eventually, the tonality used WITH these names changes, making them more and more demeaning as tasks of a more demeaning nature are added to the victim's workload.
Keeping the victim emotionally off-base. The abuser will increasingly become less predictable in their moods - going off into rages, crying jags or deadly silences for varying reasons - none of which are consistent and which keep the victim "walking on egg shells" when around their abuser.
This, all added up, can seriously damage anyone's self worth as the buildup to high levels of abuse occurs over, often a period of several YEARS and is not noticeable by the victim and the abuser is careful not to let the abuse show, if at all possible.
More to follow...
Lee Darrow, C.H.
By taking control of the finances, the abuser now has a very great degree of control, without the victim even being aware of it, in many cases. The victim now has to ASK for money to do ANYTHING. Asking slowly moves into repeatedly asking, then to the abuser "taking care of" the purchases for the victim and then, eventually, to begging for even simple things like gas to go to work and lunch money.
Isolation from the victim's support system is also a key move of an abuser. By isolating the victim from their emotional support system (friends, family, hobby groups, associations, etc.), the victim becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser for their emotional support - their positive stroke economy becomes increasingly controlled by their abuser, just as their financial economy has become.
Isolation can take many forms - actually physically moving the family to a remote location (BIG warning flag, folks!), isolation by simply cutting ties with friends and social groups and even by acts which alienate these groups, initiated by the abuser, but which often redound on the victim (setting the victim up as a patsy).
Personality degradation. This often starts with the use of "pet names" which can sound initially "cute" but have a demeaning undertone, such as "pet," "my babydoll," or even gibberish names, like "woogums."
Eventually, the tonality used WITH these names changes, making them more and more demeaning as tasks of a more demeaning nature are added to the victim's workload.
Keeping the victim emotionally off-base. The abuser will increasingly become less predictable in their moods - going off into rages, crying jags or deadly silences for varying reasons - none of which are consistent and which keep the victim "walking on egg shells" when around their abuser.
This, all added up, can seriously damage anyone's self worth as the buildup to high levels of abuse occurs over, often a period of several YEARS and is not noticeable by the victim and the abuser is careful not to let the abuse show, if at all possible.
More to follow...
Lee Darrow, C.H.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lee Darrow on -
Further techniques of emotional abuse:
Physical isolation - the victim may wind up being moved out of the marital bedroom and granted sex as either a "reward" for "being good" or as "punishment" for "being bad" or, commonly, both, again, keeping the victim emotionally off base. The isolation may be simply to another bedroom in the house, "banishment" to the living room couch to sleep or the basement or even out foors, depending on the level of the perceived "offense" by the persecutor.
Emotional abuses: additionally, the victim, if a marital partner or live-in lover, will be relegated to the level of a "mentally-damaged child" role, even by any other children in the household. The parent/victim, will not be addressed as a parent by the children, but by name or, more commonly, by a nickname, often of a demeaning nature. The victim will be required to follow orders from the children, eventually as well, in some cases, with one child being the "alpha" child or the victimizing parent actually fostering conflict between any children in the house to further maintain an air of emotional unrest for the victim (and everyone else in the house), thus further "justifying" any punishments the victimizer might decide to levy on his or her victims.
Food: Food is often used as a reward or punishment for victims of an abuser as well, with victims being forced to eat foods that they highly dislike, have an allergy to (not of a lethal nature, but which will cause discomfort) or will even be forced to eat off the floor from a plate or the floor itself, depending on the nature of the perceived offense in the mind of the victimizer. Food may also be withheld or forced in great quantity, as punishment as well.
Drink: another punishment item. Withholding of liquids from a victim can range from only allowing the victim to drink at meals to withholding drink for extended periods of time as punishment. In addition, forced drinking may also enter into the picture, especially with alcohol, and especially if the abuser has an alcohol-related problem, themselves. Forced drunkenness, especially as a prelude to sex is commonplace.
More to follow... and my apologies for the delay in getting the second installment out... writing some of this is a little difficult to do...
Lee Darrow, C.H. -
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Permalink Reply by Amanda Irvine on -
Hey Lee, I have recently found my way back into an abusive situation from the past... The abuser, is so good at it, I am sure he's not even conscious of his behaviors... This is NOT me making an excuse for him... I do not live with him anymore (Thank god!) However this does not stop him from trying to control my life... He has even gone so far as to call the cops on me falsly, and now is trying to tell me that I am the one that is sick... Yes I'lll addmitt that I am not in top form due to situations that have occured.... My problem is the lack of support, giving the intensity of the situation... I have dealt with abussive situations and am trained in councilling someone who has been in an abusive situation... And despite being aware of the signs, and symptoms, there is still that part of me that is in the victem mode... I used to make excusses for him, another sign of abuse, but when I told him I wasn't going to let him back into my life to hurt me again, he turned the situation totally around, and started blaming me... Yet another abuse tactive... I am a little bit frightend, but definatly proud of how I have been handling it... He continues to call, text , and email.. I have not been responding... Other than the last email he sent me which had 8 different types of emotional abuse in it.. I told him not to contact me.... I am hoping that things will settle down shortly here, and I have taken a number of steps to get myself help to ensure I am all right... I know and understand why I feel the way I do which is a great starting point to deal with all of this.... I am just curious, as to why others let this happen... I clearly can define the abuse even as the victim, yet leagal, and the sort, no one is really willing to stand up for me to make it stop.... When all this first happened I went to the police station, and asked for a restraining order, But they didn't classify emotional abuse as abuse... What??? It's no wonder why so many people get away with it... It's also one of the easiest forms of abuse to hide...
Anyway if you have any further understandings or ideas to offer me I would greatly appriciate all the help I can get right now!
All the best
Amanda -
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Permalink Reply by Lee Darrow on
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Amanda, I hope that you saved the email and the other written and any recorded communications you have received from your abuser. If you have, then please, do yourself a favor and take it to your nearest court and file for an Order of Protection (or whatever the term for it i in your jurisdiction), which is a restraining order that will keep your abuser from harassing you any further - at least on paper - and will give you serious legal recourse should your abuser attempt to further harass or abuse you in other ways.
If you need assistance in getting this done, there are a number of Women's Support organizations that can help you on this, as well as a number of Help Telephone Hotlines that can a;so assist you in getting the proper paperwork filed. Many are listed in the Yellow Pages under Legal Help and Women's Support Groups. Abuse support groups also often have listings. If push comes to shove, contact your local police or county courthouse as they often will have a list of these groups handy as well.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! As an abuse survivor myself, I can say, from experience, that this can happen to anyone and can happen in such a subtle manner that even a trained professional can miss the initial warning signs and even be in complete denial of its happening to them.
With respect and support for your standing up for yourself,
Lee Darrow, C.H. -
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Permalink Reply by Amanda Irvine on
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Hey Lee, Thanks.. Yah I have kept all emails, messages, and even recorded the one conversation we did have.. In Canada only one person has to be aware that the conversation is being recorded... As for getting a restraining order on him, it's nearly impossible..While Courts and Police don't have definate guidlines for dealing with emotional abuse.. I tried this the last time I had incidents with him.... But as to date I haven't heard from him since his last email, which I did reply to saying that he should no longer contact me.... So far so good I have conections with people of authority and I see them on Wednesday. So I am pretty set.. Thank you for your support and respect, it's nice to talk to someone who understands
Thanks Again
Amanda -
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Permalink Reply by Lee Darrow on
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I'm sorry to see that the laws up in Canada are not as protective as they are here in the Lower 48 when it comes to abuse situations. Maybe that's something to talk about with your PM....
And thanks for the kind words, they are appreciated. Please keep in touch.
Lee Darrow, C.H. -
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Permalink Reply by Steve Lovold on -
I appreciat this discussion topic, one of which is I feel to be of a responsible & mature in nature.
The material which has started to come to my attention is Non - Violent Communication, as well as N.L.P. of corse..
~ Thanks -
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Permalink Reply by Lee Darrow on
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Unfortunately, in an abusive situation, NVR, Non-Violent Response can sometimes be viewed as provocation by an abuser. It can also be considered by some as submissive behavior, depending on the response in question.
With a violent abuser, any verbal response that does not agree completely with the abuser can be considered by the abuser as a "reason" for "punishment," or, as most of the rest of the world calls it, physical abuse.
Violent abusers are experts at "backing you into the corner." Literally.
When that happens, violence may be the only means of survival for a victim, unfortunately.
Most experts agree that getting away from the abuser is the best way to deal with a violent abuser and having a third party (preferably one with a badge, fun and the force of the Law behind them) is the best response. Many women's shelters offer outreach programs for abused women where a group of people from the shelter will literally come into the home of the victim and assist the victim in leaving, while interposing themselves between the abuser and the abuser's target as well, if law enforcement refuses to "get involved."
Such intervention offers a number of things in favor of the victim - strength in numbers (emotional support as well as bullies do not like to be outnumbered), multiple witnesses and multiple with cell phones to call the cops should things get out of hand, not to mention that many of them have undergone training in countering the typical emotional ploys that an abuser might bring into play when their focus individual is attempting to leave and, thus, negate their "control" over them.
Lee Darrow, C.H. -
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