The Humour Haven

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Comment by Marianne Robson on February 1, 2010 at 9:11am

GIRLS PERFECT GETAWAY

Four friends spend weeks planning the
perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave
Mary's husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she
can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the
hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did
you talk your husband into
Letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last
night........... Yesterday evening I was
Sitting on the couch and my husband came
up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he
was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our
bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose
petals all over............On the
bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He
told me to tie and cuff him to the
bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now,
you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

Comment by Cheryl Westley on January 31, 2010 at 7:12pm

The HALF-WIT

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Comment by Jon Rhodes on October 20, 2009 at 12:37pm

Here's a groaner...

A client came to see me the other day complaining of 'Tom Jones' syndrome. 'I've never heard of that' I exclaimed, 'Does it mean you sweat a lot?'
'No' he replied
'Do you swing your hips a lot?' I asked
'No' he again replied
'Does it make you sing loud?'
'No'
"Well...is it common?' I inquired
'It's not unusual!' he replied

Comment by Linda Knight on May 31, 2009 at 10:46pm

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A: A pizza can feed a family.

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 31, 2009 at 8:46pm

A hypnotherapist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The hypnotherapist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the hypnotherapist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "Instead make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 31, 2009 at 8:37pm

A hypnotherapist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 31, 2009 at 8:24pm

Ok, here's some more therapy jokes for ya's...

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Hypnotherapists collect the rent!


A guy goes in to see a hypnothera[ist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Comment by Thal on May 31, 2009 at 4:51pm

New Joke....

Q. How is the subject of an erotic trance like a piece of bread in a toaster?

A. They both get hot when they go down!

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 8, 2009 at 8:45am

Sorry Thal, I couldn't resist! Ok, I'll even the balance - here's a few guitar jokes...

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Comment by Thal on May 6, 2009 at 4:00pm

Alright Jon! LOL don't get me started on instrument jokes... I found several websites devoted just to that subject already. Love them too.

Here's a classic junior high level instrument joke: You can substitute your favorite two instruments to malign into this format:

Q. What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?

A. The Violin burns hotter and the Viola burns longer!

T

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