the Free Online Hypnosis Community

Anyone dealt with this?

Hi All,

I am new to this group but not to the idea of safe, sane, and consensual. I had a couple visit with me yesterday looking for help. They came to me because I am familiar with the D/s lifestyle (Dominance and submission) and I am a hypnotherapist.

The power dynamic in the relationship is this - the wife is the Domme and the husband is a submissive (but likes to top from the bottom). He is the one who called to set up the appointment. He said that his Domme looses focus when they are playing and cannot maintain the dominance structure or go as far as he wants her to go.

When we met the Domme said she wanted to work on her dominance, lack of motivation, and to become more controlling. In her background she indicated she was abused by an exhusband emotionally and physically. She has lost faith that people are what they present themselves as and stay the same. She has been married to the current husband for 13 years.

She responded when I did a session with them yesterday. Now I need to figure out how to help her with her goals - work on dominance, lack of motivation, and how to become more controlling. I am looking for some guidance from those who have might have worked in this area before. Should I try and even address her fears that are tied to the abuse? Is it connected to our current goals? And how do I work on suggestions with her?

In my "experience"we are who we are - Dominant, submissive, or switch. I am having a hard time seeing how hypnosis can help this Domme unless she truly is in her heart ready for change And/or wanting to be "more" Dominant (is that possible)?
I guess she can become more confidant, have her faith restored, possibly have more motivation. My belief is that hypnosis can help with most things. This is an area that is dear to my heart but one that I have no experience in dealing with hypnotically. I have been practicing hypnotherapist for about three years now and mostly in the birthing arena. I would like to help these folks.

Any suggestions would be helpful

Thanks so much,
Sharon Gourlay C.Ht, HBCE, RMT
sharon@sacredbeginning.com

Tags: d/s, erotic, hypnosis

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by N'Kash on July 9, 2008 at 8:14am: Hi,I am not sure this what you are looking for. Not having seen the clients myself. But these are my thoughts in no real order.
1 Become intimate with what they call a scene...draw from her those elements that are Pleasurable when she is Dom.< things that she does ,things that he does in response etc > Is there a theme ? Can you Anchor and enhance these areas of Pleasure ?
2 What is they'er ritual for starting a "Scene" Anticipation and Pleasure can be Anchored to this as a lead in.
3 What things does he do that make her feel most "Powerful" in scene and in life?
4 Have her internally referse a "Scene" that indeed was fulfilling for her as the Dom. Tweek it and add it to there real life practice.
5 She may be having difficulty being the "Abuser" after her real life abuse. Can she separate what is role-play from her past reality ? Can she give what he needs without seeing herself negativly ?
6 She may need de-sensitization to her past Trauma in order to free up some of her drive.
< The goal is never just the presenting problem...but helping the the person to learn to integrate their past and on going experience .>
7 She loses focus durring their sessions -shorten the sessions for a time Mini "Scenes" with High erotic charge may be helpful.
8 Time line regression with the addition of resources such as Confidence in Past situations may also be helpful.
9 Fantasy can be very powerful. Guided imagery using her on core Fastasys and setting them up to be repeated and expanded on can often re-kindle fires in the home.She alters her state to have sex, to Orgasm ,to Masturbate tap in to these Altered states and connect them to her desired goal.
10 Look for ways that his Behavior can be shifted to increase her feelings of competence ,saftety ,control and PLEASURE. People move away from Pain and towards PLEASURE...look for multiple ways to increase her percieved PLEASURE.

Hope I didn't ramble....hope some of this helps...keep me posted.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sharon Gourlay on July 9, 2008 at 8:23am: Thank you for the above advice. I actually spoke with her about some of this yesterday and we are meeting tomorrow. Great ideas and suggestions. Its great to hear that I am at least on the right track.

I will keep you updated.

Sharon; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by altered ego on July 11, 2008 at 3:32am: I do have some experience in this field. In fact, it was my wife's past abuse and its effect on our sex life that led me to erotic hypnosis.

In my experience, there are several issues here. The first is the lowering of her own inhibitions and still feeling safe. The second issue is her natural fear of the unknown and her inexperience.

I found that a induction which confirms the strength and safety and loving bonds of the relationship worked well.

I then created a deepener, in which she was able to lower her inhibitions and be aware that she was still in control.I followed this induction with suggestions of feeling physical pleasure just by experiencing and imagining her own dominance. The more dominant the act, the more intense the pleasure. Never underestimate the power of pleasure.

Using this, she was able to proceed at her own speed. But each time it worked safely, her ability to take a bigger step followed. I wrote and recorded the file for her. I posted it on a website and was eventually asked to modify it for the masses. Though I was never pleased with the end results of the final recording, I believe it is still on that site.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Greg4791 on September 29, 2008 at 3:42pm: I have little experience with hynosis and BDSM. But have been involved in the lifestyle.

If her husband is submissive and is trying to Top from the Bottom, then it would seem to me that part of her issue is him second guessing her dominance. Unless he is able to allow for his wife to gain confidence and improve on her Dominant skill set, especially with her past physical abuse issues, he himself is undermining her ability to feel comfortable with her role. If he continues on with trying to be in control, he will erradicate any desire on her part.

I wonder if hypnosis might be helpful for him to let go of control and allow his wife to grow into the dominant she wants to become. Just my thoughts, dont know if they are useful. Good luck!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Bob Brown, CHt, CNLP on October 4, 2008 at 1:52am: Greg I experience this alot.. i.e. where the Sub is telling the Domme how to act. Subby Hubby needs to let go. It is difficult on her self esteem/confidence if she is second guessing every move she makes.

Sharon it think your first line of action is to talk with Subby Hubby and tell him to just let her go where she goes and to praise the progress they make. If he doesn't get this my bet is 3 months down the line she doesn't want to play anymore.

There was a comment made about pleasure and it is true... PEOPLE ARE DRAWN TO PLEASURE.. but remember they will avoid pain even more. Its called the Pain Pleasure Principle.

You need to decide if you want to cross the line between sexual recreation and therapy because the lines can become murky very quickly. You may try some work around letting go without going too deep into her issues. You may even refer her to someone else to deal with issues just to avoid any conflict.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by altered ego on September 30, 2008 at 4:32am: I am not a hypnotherapist. But, I do have personal experience with this issue. I think you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. The goal is to get her to allow herself to lower her inhibitions. She has stated she is domme. But, her past experiences, insecurities in what she wants to do and her own inhibitions appear to be dulling her edge. I painted the scenario that as domme, she placed herself in a position where she was in control and therefore safe.

Perhaps allowing her to lower her inhibitions a little at a time, and suggesting a pleasure response from taking further steps would be succesful. I also, in my own experience with this, found that affirming the love and trust in the relationship is what has led them to this point and that she should rely on this cornerstone.

I recommend starting with post-hypnotic suggestions that allow her to first lower her inhibitions when she is exploring the possiblities in her own mind. Perhaps some (can't think of the technical term) controlable dreams. We all know, the more we practice or visualize in our mind, the easier it is to act.

I once wrote a script; though it is in need of a lot of tweeking, just for this purpose. It had her visualize a control panel in her mind, where she could adjust her inhibitions herself, to the levels she wanted. Then, when acting on her fantasies and taking control, she would feel physical pleasure in a ratio to the environment she was in and in a ratio to the extent she allowed herself to pass her inhibitions. For example if they were having some "secret control" session during a party; as a result of playing in public a greater pleasure would be felt. But, due to being in public, it would not be so intense as to cause her to moan loudly.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Don Rice on November 15, 2008 at 6:13pm: Hi Sharon,

This might seem simple, but if I make it complicated I become confused. Clients don't need to have their hearts or soul into the matter to enjoy it. I am a romantic, and love every part of love making and sex, but it isn't always neccessary. I have recently completed one hour of erotic hypnosis each with fifteen women for our erotic site. They were always alone with me and and the camera man. I never touched them, but gave each various suggestions and they experienced between 12-20 orgazms each. All said it was the best sex they had ever bee part of.

Once or twice a year I perform a comedy hypnosis erotic show where volunteers come up on stage and in front of hundreds they have orgazms when I use code words for them. They also use their chair as a sex partner and have a wonderful time. What I'm trying to say is you can get your clients to do just about anything you want them to do.

Hope I helped.

Don; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on November 19, 2008 at 5:43am: Hi Sharon-

I have helped several couples who were into this scene... They would meet with other like minded people and act out their fantasies or they would try to act out their fantasies at home in the hopes of spicing up their boring sex lives--

The operative word seemed to be "act out" and that's how I approached helping them --

Interestingly, the male clients wanted to be dominated and be in control - My reframe was that if one is playing the game - being a "dominated top" is an oxymoron and letting go was the cure...

All of my female clients were not really in to it and they were participating in the hopes of improving their relationship or satisfying their partners -- My reframe was-- If you are going to play the game - you might as well give yourself permission to enjoy the game...

And yes, I understand that some women love the game - But they are unlikely to seek our help...

The feedback was that the hypnosis helped--

Best,
Michael E.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Bob Brown, CHt, CNLP on November 19, 2008 at 6:02am: Now if you are interested you can suggest they check out www.hypnofantasy.com (insert shameless self promotion here). I hear the people who own the site are awesome to deal with and with over 12000 members they have tons of experience to draw on.

Tell Bob that Bob sent you...

bob; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Michael Ellner on November 19, 2008 at 6:24am: I'll pass your website info on to interested clients and tell them to say that Bob and Mike sent us...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Ger Ryan on January 2, 2009 at 11:13am: Sharon

How can she be the Domme when she is being submissive to his needs for her to be a Domme?
Does he get off by being punished? Or by punishing her? The line appears to be blurred.......Perhaps investigating her perspective may lead to the preferred outcome, however I am no expert in these matters, but wow what a scenario, the challenge to me would be to find the Truth, not create it.; ▶ Reply to This