Anyone dealt with this?

Hi All,

I am new to this group but not to the idea of safe, sane, and consensual. I had a couple visit with me yesterday looking for help. They came to me because I am familiar with the D/s lifestyle (Dominance and submission) and I am a hypnotherapist.

The power dynamic in the relationship is this - the wife is the Domme and the husband is a submissive (but likes to top from the bottom). He is the one who called to set up the appointment. He said that his Domme looses focus when they are playing and cannot maintain the dominance structure or go as far as he wants her to go.

When we met the Domme said she wanted to work on her dominance, lack of motivation, and to become more controlling. In her background she indicated she was abused by an exhusband emotionally and physically. She has lost faith that people are what they present themselves as and stay the same. She has been married to the current husband for 13 years.

She responded when I did a session with them yesterday. Now I need to figure out how to help her with her goals - work on dominance, lack of motivation, and how to become more controlling. I am looking for some guidance from those who have might have worked in this area before. Should I try and even address her fears that are tied to the abuse? Is it connected to our current goals? And how do I work on suggestions with her?

In my "experience"we are who we are - Dominant, submissive, or switch. I am having a hard time seeing how hypnosis can help this Domme unless she truly is in her heart ready for change And/or wanting to be "more" Dominant (is that possible)?
I guess she can become more confidant, have her faith restored, possibly have more motivation. My belief is that hypnosis can help with most things. This is an area that is dear to my heart but one that I have no experience in dealing with hypnotically. I have been practicing hypnotherapist for about three years now and mostly in the birthing arena. I would like to help these folks.

Any suggestions would be helpful

Thanks so much,
Sharon Gourlay C.Ht, HBCE, RMT
sharon@sacredbeginning.com

Tags: D/s, erotic, hypnosis

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Permalink Reply by littleSHIN on January 9, 2011 at 6:24am

hello E/everybody. ;)

okay, this is an serious issue and very complex one for that matter. the roles within BDSM (dominant, submissive or switch) are confusing enough without an abusive background. a lot of people in the BDSM scene tend to use descriptions as "REAL dominant" or "REAL submissive".

as we are in an hypnotically active community, most people might agree, that hardly anyone is ONLY dominant or ONLY submissive. tends to make a rather unhealthy disbalance in someones mind.

the main question for this woman isn't if she is a REAL dominant or not. it's the question how she got there.

she has been abused by her husband so

a) her dom tendencies could be her fear of losing control, so she tries to take it.

b) her dom tendencies could be something of a subconcious tendency to take revenge.

c) her dom tendencies could be forced by her husband, since he is obviously "into" BDSM.

d) all of the above mentioned

so first you should find out if she had already some fantasies involving her dominating a man (or even woman) BEFORE she was abused by her ex husband.

maybe the DOM tendencies came after the abuse, but are NOT influenced by the abuse. this is a very important question to solve.

if she isn't really into being dominant (or into BDSM at all for that matter), than you just help her otherwise. forcing her into being something she isn't, is not healthy - as you all agree probably. and if her current husband really loves her, he will respect and accept her as she is.

BUT, if she REALLY is into being dominant, then you should help her build her confidence and enjoy herself and living her fantasies.

regarding the husband and his habbit to top from the bottom: just because someone states he is submissive, he doesn't have to bow in respect and devotion, just because someone says she/he is dominant. some submissives like to FEEL how their dominant "takes" them and "forces" them to bow - of course as a part of a safe, sane and consensual game.

but as you build her confidence and what i call "aura of dominance", this should be easily solved. of course, he should learn to let go, and with this you can help him. but he still has to REALLY want it.

so much from my side. if you need additional help or information, ask me. it's hard to say, but i AM a dominant and have been abused sexually at a very young age. it took me some time to realise what is the real me and what the influence of the abuse. i am very glad i figured out most of it ...

hugs&kisses,

little Shin

Permalink Reply by Donald Michael Kraig on June 4, 2011 at 11:27am

Hi, Sharon.

Although the myth is that almost everyone thinks they're a top, people in the scene know that there are far more subs than doms. That being said, there are many great doms who only realize they are doms after being bottoms for a period of time.

From your description there are several issues going on here. First, I would say that they are not truly D/S. More accurately, he sounds like a masochist and she is merely fulfilling his fetish by acting the domme/sadist role. I'm sure we could spend a long time discussing definitions and working with them on their issues. However, is that the role of hypnotherapy or psychotherapy?

IMHO, the clients have come to you for assistance in changing behavior. You have a choice to help her do so or not. Where I in your position--and I'm not, so this is just my 2¢--I'd ask myself if the changes the client are ecological: good for her, good for her partner and friends, and good for the community.

You are correct that she may not be a "real" domme (whatever that may mean), but if someone came to you asking for assistance in becoming stronger, more motivated, and feeling like she is more in control of situations, could you not aide her?

I would respectfully suggest that there are 2 things going on, the woman's personal issues and the couple's dynamic. In this case, it just so happens that the dynamic falls within the SM/DS purview. My guess is that there is far more involved than just the presenting issues.

My suggestions then--and again, it's just my 2¢, so take it for what it's worth--is that I would work with the woman by regression to the period of the abuse and release all of the psychic energy and emotion attached to the event. That seems to be a controlling issue. After this (or along with this) I would work with him to help him discover what his real needs are--he obviously isn't having them met because he's topping from the bottom. Finally, I would help her establish a persona--either full time or play time, whatever they wish and need--that would either allow her to fully meet his needs or have periods where she can fully meet his needs.

My guess is that they might also need couples counseling even if they think their relationship, otherwise, is fine. If not psychotherapy, they certainly might need assistance in communication skills so they can each discover their needs, be able to ask for them without guilt, and provide their partner with what is needed.

Permalink Reply by Bob Brown, CHt, CNLP on January 8, 2012 at 6:44pm

Sharon: We do a ton of work in the D/s world and some work helping women play a stronger role in their dominant position. My partner Nikki (nikki@hypnofantasy.com) may have some ideas as well you are welcome to check her youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSUOow_DsLM

Not her real voice BTW

bob