Ask Scary Mary

My name is Scary Mary, and I play hypnotherapy. Please don't confuse me with a witch doctor; witch doctors are trained professionals who only pretend to "play" hypnotherapy all the while actually doing it. It's sneaky and it makes them look bad to their peers, I know, but they will insist on wearing masks and shaking coconuts instead of straight-up putting someone in a trance.

Of course I can't really comment on the behavior of witch doctors. After all, I'm Scary Mary. Sometimes I bring entire cities down with typhoid. Lately, though, I'm all about pretending to be a hypnotherapist. If you don't know what that means, the purpose of this post is to explain. After all, forewarned is forearmed, and if you still don't see me coming you can't say that I didn't do my level best to inform you.

I claim to be a certified hypnotherapist, having completed a course of study at an accredited institution, and having satisfied the requirements of the American Board of Hypnotherapy. Pay attention, please, this is where I go off the rails: I sound legitimate. However, I am also a Reiki Master Practitioner, a Tarot card reader, and I know a thing or two about the use of crystals in healing. We all know that such metaphysical nonsense falls into the broad, scientifically proven, and medically accepted category of Hocus Pocus.

Alas, I have not yet learned any actual Voodoo to add to my pretend practice, although I have learned enough about auricular therapy to have a giant rubber ear sitting on the shelf next to me as I type. But don't you let that worry you, if we decide that you need Voodoo, you will get Voodoo. How hard can it be to stick some pins in a wax doll?

That's how I make all of my decisions. Just like that. I wait for divine inspiration, snap my fingers, and presto! I'm an expert.

I build my practice on the simple, the weak-minded, and the bored. If you are any of those things, look out! I will part you from your money before you can blink an eye. I am that good. Men, if you are married to one of the world's many Peg Bundys, you'd better lock up the check book or take her name off the account. Your wife is my favorite type of vict client. The reason for this is that she doesn't know the difference between hypnosis and Reiki, so I can do either and she'll never even suspect that she (you) paid for one and got the other.

When I book a hypnotherapy client of this type I like to test their "willingness" to do the work by sitting them in the chair and laying hands on them. The more hands the better, but sadly I only have two. At the end of the session (which could have been a Reiki session if only I'd remembered to activate the flow), I congratulate my client on their great ability to be hypnotized, take their cash, and send them on their way. If I misjudged the gulli knowledgeability of the person in the chair and they actually question whether that was a hypnotherapy session, I am careful to explain that they were breathing deeply, they are now very relaxed, and so of course they were hypnotized. That usually takes care of the prob question.

My second favorite type of client is the client who is trying to avoid doctors, hospitals, and anything remotely medical. I rub my hands together with great glee when a genuinely sick person shows up in my office! Here is real scope for my tremendous talent! I can hypnotize away their symptoms in just one session. I am that good. Also, because I am fortunate enough to be that good and completely amoral and irresponsible, it doesn't bother me at all to think that their problem might be better addressed medically. If they're fool enough to bring their money to me, I'm happy enough to part them from it.

Naturally, saying so outright would be shockingly counter-productive. Instead I assume a ... dare I say it ... bedside manner that is convincingly compassionate. I sympathize deeply with their problem, I really hear what they're telling me - I listen better than their doctor and they become putty in my hands. I acknowledge the depth and severity of their problem, and am sure to set up a program of at least 10 sessions to get started on addressing it. I do suggest that they inform their doctor of their choice to consult me in the matter, but I time the suggestion so that they won't really want to. NLP is a marvelous tool, it really is.

One of my favorite things to do for a client of this second type is something I call Tarognosis - diagnosis with the Tarot cards. They come to me with foot pain, we ask the cards where the pain originates and what causes it, I hand a couple of crystals to the client to hold, do some Reiki on the foot, possibly hypnotize away any awareness that they have of the problem, and voila!

Best of all, I can (and do) call it all hypnotherapy!

Until next time,
Scary Mary