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What's a Man to Do?
A Personal Tale
A couple of weeks ago, as I drove down our country lane on my way home, I noticed something lying in the grassy field near our home. I slowed, apprehension making my heart become heavy and as I realized that it was the still body of one of our cats, my heart settled down into my stomach with sadness.
I entered the house and pondered how to take care of the animal's carcass. My 16 yr old son came around the corner and noticed my disconsolate demeanor. After I told him the bad news, he immediately volunteered to take on the unpleasant job. Relieved, I reminded him to dig a deep grave for the pet.
Later, as the sun set, we met at the burial site and said our goodbyes to little PeeWee. She was a good cat.
Fast forward 10 days...here I am, driving home again, and my attention is caught by a disturbance at the cat's gravesite. I immediately averted my gaze, too late to erase the vision of scattered animal remains. Coyotes had raided the resting place, leaving gory debris from their dining spree.
Once again, my son volunteered to handle the chore. I was apprehensive, recognizing my own tender feelings about such a scene, but he seemed confident, so I agreed.
Half an hour later, he came back in, the task accomplished. He was quiet and tears were running down his cheeks. I hugged him and said I was sorry...and thanked him for saving me from that job. He shook his head fiercely and said, "I'm not crying!"
I replied, "Yes, you are! And it's a good thing..." I went on to remind him that tears are healthy, part of our human reaction to pain, to shock, to joy and to loss. I left him alone for a while and he sat with his feelings, letting them process. Later, we took a long walk along the dike and talked of many things, "of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings”...
How I have changed my own reaction to my child's tears! In the past, I would have done anything to quell the flow...now I know better. Sometimes I feel like I'm not only raising a boy, but myself!
Comment
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Comment by Antoine Pruyssers on August 2, 2010 at 4:49pm -
A man is to acknowledge his feelings, and to heed the words of his mother.
You are a wise woman Kelley.
My deepest sympathy for your loss!
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Comment by Jason Keen on August 1, 2010 at 12:58am -
Crying is part of the original alchemy, along with stillness and conversation. We need more parents who know how to cry and empower their children with the same magic.
My heart goes out to both of you :)
Jason
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Comment by Ron Franks on July 31, 2010 at 8:39am -
Heart-warming Kelly and thanks so much for sharing this with us. Besides empathy for you and your son It also brings up for me a reminder that my most challenging child-rearing job is raising me.
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Comment by Licentious Maladay on July 31, 2010 at 8:18am -
Good for you to leave him alone with his feelings and to talk later. Some of my best chats with my son are about anything but the topic at hand. Chatting in the car, when one of us is driving and we are both facing forward, also works. I never ask him directly about his feelings. That tends to get his back up. But when we talk about other things, somehow that subject tends to get raised and we both benefit.
Hugging also works. He went through a stage when he completely rejected hugs, but I kept at it, ambushing him from behind. Because I was still stronger, I could get away with it. Later, he began to accept them grudgingly. Then they were funny. Now, he will hug (as long as there's nobody else around -- and I respect that).
Lic
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Comment by Kelley Woods on July 30, 2010 at 4:35pm -
Thank you, all. While the art of blogging is cathartic in itself, it's so sweet to know that my words land near warm hearts.
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Comment by GAIL GUEVARA on July 30, 2010 at 3:44pm -
Beautiful Kelley. Thanks for sharing and being so transparent. Isn't awareness + change + growth = wisdom wonderful!
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Comment by Michael Ellner on July 30, 2010 at 9:18am -
Sending my deepest condolences to you and your son-
Mom's like you could change the world -- Keep on keeping on...
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Comment by tony cott on July 30, 2010 at 8:36am -
There are times when with my 16 year old daughter, that when I just allow myself to be open to her, to see her repeat the same lessons I was supposed to learn from along time ago but either forgot or misplaced in the growing up process, I find more understanding than listening to any adult in the world. I remember my dad once told me at a time that I was just beside myself with dealing with how to help her, “their sorrow and their pain are our lessons”. My daughters (one is 25 and the other 16) helped me 7 years ago “learn” how to cry again, it seems that what my Pop told me goes both ways.
A Blue sky and white clouds to both of you
From a single dad.
Tony
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Comment by James Hazlerig on July 30, 2010 at 8:18am -
Good for you. Tears at a moment of tenderness are a sign of manly strength, not weakness.
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Comment by Aaron Little on July 30, 2010 at 8:02am -
I am sorry for the loss of your four legged friend.
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