13 year old - Anger, and problems at school

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Permalink Reply by Linda Danson on July 3, 2008 at 2:42am

Hello Glynes,
As a special needs teacher as well as a hypnotherapist, I often find symptoms like those you mention. I'd be looking at the possibility of ADHD or similar potential difficulties before looking for the root cause of behaviour. Has the school physchologist assessed the young man?
Linda

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Permalink Reply by Conrad Cook on July 3, 2008 at 7:08am

Well, of course you don't know what you'll find until you get there. It can be difficult to go into a situation without a plan to improvise around, or indeed to abandon, so here are some thoughts:

* The world is indeed unfair. It's about as unfair as it gets!

* I'm imagining having to contend with an authority figure whose chief gripe with me is that "I don't know how to play the game." I'd take this as an acknowlegement that the game is stupid (by virtue of them calling it a game), and rigged (by virtue of the fact that I'm being criticized), and maybe even crooked, and yet an assertion that I'm nevertheless supposed to play by these rules I don't accept.

* Once you take a principled stand against the System and don't acknowledge it's authority, punishments meted out by that system and that authority will not bring you into line.

* Why doesn't this kid have a father? -- I don't want your version, or his Mom's version; what's his version?

* The thought of growing up with one parent who's a child psychologist gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies. At least here in the states, a lot of psychologists I meet seem to have the well-honed skill of reframing your behaviors for intention -- that is, mind-reading -- in such a way as to deprive you of agency.

* I think that his Mom's emphasis, on her boy's "slowness" to conform (which implies he *will* conform), as opposed to his happiness, is very revealing.

Hmm, you know, the thing I'd have in mind as my first line of approach would be Gestalt-type out-loud 2-chair forgivenness therapy. Probably you want to aim for Dad, and then Mom, but if I were you, I'd start off with some kid at school who bothers him, move your way up to the teacher, and then go for the big ones.

I say that because I like to get people used to the process before laying on the heavy emotions.

Also, I'd frame it as, "Ok, this is a game I usually reserve for adults, but I'd like you to try it..."

In general, I'd frame the interaction as being for his own benefit: specifically, if this kid sees you as someone whose job it is to brainwash him into compliance, then it'll be a non-starter.

So, I'd even tell him, Hey, some kids I see are troublemakers. I don't know if this describes you or not; that's not for me to say. Sometimes the kid is fine, and the reason I'm talking to him is that his family is crazy. I had one kid tell me he was a troublemaker, and I said, that's fine. I'm sure you have a good reason for making trouble; It's ok with me, if trouble-making is what calls to you, I'm sure there's a good reason for it.

I'm morally and ethically bound to work to your own benefit. This isn't about what kind of person school wants you to be, and it's not about what kind of person your Mom wants you to be. It's about who you are now, and who you're choosing to become in the future; and you're the only person who has anything to say about that.

--something like that.


Conrad.

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on July 3, 2008 at 8:18am

I think you have to factor in the fact that he's 13 and he's a boy. Children have to individuate in order to become adult and self-reliant. That biological need often ends up becoming a power struggle between parent and child. It probably needs to do that.

I find that it helps to explain individuation to both child and parent. Then it seems less threatening if it has a natural cause (which it does, at least in part).

Secondly, the human brain doesn't completely mature until the age of 25ish. These poor adolescents are struggling with growing brains, bodies, and maturational issues. What a mess!

The third thing I do is look for the dynamics and communications between the parent and child. Usually there is a big disconnect in communication and neither can hear the other. When you can bridge that divide, a lot of the hurt and anger melt away.

You can use calming, everything is OK, go with the flow, trust yourself, you can speak your mind without getting angry kinds of hypnosis suggestions but usually I tackle the issues above first.

But that's just me.

Susan French

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Permalink Reply by Melissa J. Roth on July 4, 2008 at 6:54am

I think everything the others have said has merit. But, I'd like to suggest one thing. Begin by asking the kid how his life is going to improve when this (struggle, anger, conflict, etc.) is no longer an issue in his life? (Use the word improve, no others). Then, keep pressing for a behavior. If he says everyone will leave him alone or he will be happier or something along those lines he has not properly answered the question. Follow it up with "What will you be doing when you are happier or everyone leaves you alone, etc. ." Persist until you get a behavior out of him, not an emotion.

If he doesn't identify a benefit for himself no amount of any therapy will work. Once you get a behavior then you can use either Parts therapy or an NLP reframe to let his unconscious come up with creative ways it can get that benefit for himself.

The psychologists label his behavior as oppositional/defiant disorder. I have seen a lot of these kids and they are all brighter than average, have a high need for things to be logical and have a need to be in control of themselves and their environment. But, the ones I've seen also have a low frustration threshold. Therefore, when they are consistently frustrated the anger manifests. By all means, guide him to come up with new, creative behaviors that meet his needs and allows him to live in community at school. I usually tell them that for the next 10 nights, as they sleep and dream a most wonderful dream, that their UM is directed to develop at least 3 new behaviors each night that meets his original positive intentions but does so in ways that are healthy, positive and beneficial for him and that will allow him to live in community at school. Then, as he goes through his day the next day it is to try one of these new behaviors after another until a successful one or ones is found.

It's worth a try.

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Permalink Reply by Susan French on July 4, 2008 at 9:11am

Hi Melissa,

I love what you shared. Thank you.

Susan

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Permalink Reply by James Hazlerig on July 4, 2008 at 7:14am

I used to be a substitute teacher, and I've informally mentored a number of teenagers. (They adopt me for some reason I haven't quite figured out.)

Convey in everything that you do that you consider him an adult. So he's angry over the nonsense that his teacher wants him to put up with--can you imagine how you would react if you (as an adult) had to put up with the BS that schools put their students through? Teenagers hate to be treated like children.

Also, beware of the labels that the teachers and his mother have given him. When I was teaching, I found there were certain students who had been labeled "troublemakers" by the teachers, who then told other teachers, who treated the students as troublemakers. And guess what? The students lived up to those expectations. When I treated those students with dignity, they often responded well.

I envy him in certain ways. I wish I'd been lucky enough to be shown the power of hypnosis when I was just thirteen.

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